my life with ed

my life with ed....................

2008-10-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

has not been going so well. i started again today keeping track of what i eat and how much....my friend e is going to be doing the same thing. my binges have been less but the overeating is still often. i want to make it a goal to not eat in front of the t.v. at night. it is amazing how much one can eat without realizing how much food it is. i am determined to start this blog again with the directions of my sharing about my food addictions and hoping others will share his or her ups and downs about eating disorders and addictions. i am craving protein today which typically means that i have not been eating enough protein....so protein bars and now pretzels dipped in peanut butter............yummy.
my pain level has been really intense this weekend and today. i need clean so am cleaing just a few minutes and then taking a break and i am at least getting a few things done. i am going to go clean for a bit and then break again. i might take a nap since sleep has been awkard and off and on.

Mom's Birthday Celebration

2008-10-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

Today I took mom out for lunch for her birthday and we had a really nice time. Yesterday she got together with my sister and a friend for lunch and had a really nice time. Yesterday was her birthday and she got lots of calls and cards and some flowers so she really enjoyed it and she said that she liked it better than if we had given her a party which we have done in the past. Tonight I am having dinner with my friend E and even though it has been a busy day it will be great to spend tme with her..we always seem to have great conversations and such.
I had a regular coke for the first time in weeks! I think that I drank it early enough so that it won't bother me tonight. I will drink water with my meal.Tomorrow I have two appointments so with mainstream rides and appointments it is going to be a busy day. I leave home around 10:45 a.m. and then most likely get home around4:00 p.m. I always need to remember to have some snacks with me since it is a long day. I am thinking of making a pbj to take with me and a protein bars and perhaps some fruit anc of course some pop. Hope that you all are having a good day.

quiet few days...........................................

2008-10-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

it has been a few quiet days here for me. i would be sick and then feel better and then the next day feel not so good. i am really tired today but i think that i am over the crud that is going around. i sure hope that i am! today is my mom's 80th birthday! she went to visit my sister today with a good friend of her's today. tomorrow we are celebrating by going out for some great coffee and goodies. she prefers gifts like getting together or getting coffee or lotion and such. i am looking foward to spending time with her. we always seem lately to have some really good times together...especially on sundays which is when we go out to eat for a late lunch (less crowds but still lunch prices) and then we run our errands for the week and most of the time we get everything done.
gracie is feeling better....but everytime when i talk to her and mention her behind she automatically sits down like you are NOT touching my behind! she then most of the time will get up and i will put her cream on her.i think she is feeling better today so have not given her aspirin...perhaps as the day goes along i will see how she is doing. she has been quiet today sleeping on and off...i think she is a tired pup like me.
about food...i am determined to start eating more fruit! i am not nor have i ever been a fruit fan..i do not like mushy things which alot of fruit is. i did eat a banana yesterday and today. i ate a expensive but good apple. i prefer really crisp and tart apples and so got 3 when i was at the store last week....as i said they were expensive but wow the one i ate was really great!
is there an aldi's where you live? it so what do you think of it? i am more impressed each time i go there...good deals...sure one is not always sure what is going to be there except for some of the regular items but the specials are really good..mom gets really good fruit and veggies there.i have not tried the meat yet but my nephew tells me it is good. IF i did not drink pop for almost everything i could shop at giant eagle...trader joes...and aldi's i think. i really like all of the stores. i am NOT one who likes the giant stores where as my mom says you can buy your groceries and your undies all in the same store...i know that they have good prices i just also cannot walk around the stores much at all! oh i do also like target plus they have an area one can sit down and rest and get something to drink...the target store that i go to has a star bucks in it which is good. reminds me i had at borders today a caremel latte with a bit of hazelnut syrup and the guy put some whipped cream on it and it was yummy! i always tell myself that a latte is a good way of my getting milk since i am not a milk drinker and have never been one.
here is another question for those few who read my blog....if you like latte's what is your favorite flavor? if not latte's what is your favorite coffee drink or are you not a coffee drinker?

tmi gracie

2008-10-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

i think both gracie and i are feeling better. i slept thru the night which is unusual for me. gracie slept thru the night too which is not a surprize because she tends at night to sleep when i sleep and is awake when i am awake. she is enjoying the cooler day out on the patio and i am enjoying having the door open.
she was NOT a happy dog yesterday afternoon and late evening! i had to take her to the vet and will not go into all of the details but i have to put some cream on her bottem (not fun for her or i) and then for pain give her an aspirin. so...finally with much nipping (not to hard) and barking i got the cream on her and got wise after a few tries of getting her to swallow the aspirin i hid it in some wet food and she ate it all including the aspirin. she settled down and was like hmmm that cream makes me feel better mom and then the aspirin took effect and she was a much happier dog.....but today of cours most of the time if i am walking by her she sits down like no you are not even looking at my behind today! i might get wiser today and give her the aspirin first and then wait till it kicks in to try to give her the cream. o.k. probably tmi about my dog and her rear end but that is what is going on with me.
the lights went out today just for about a half hour. i was proud of myself because i did not freak. i called and was kind and then read some and tried to pray some and then it was not too long until they came back on. it is amazing how much we as americans do with electricity! my home is all electric,
guess what? i gave graice food with the aspirin in it and she ate it all up AND then she let me put her cream on without trying to bite me or anything she just stood there. i guess it must really help and feel better to her. i am so glad. i do not like it at all and feel so sad when she is in pain.
well going to try to think of something more exiting than gracie and her sore bum.

Feeling Better I think

2008-10-09T10:53:00.000-07:00

I think that I am feeling somewhat better. I still have the aches and chills...sometimes it is hard to tell which are my regular aches and such. I think since it is that down right tired aches that I still have the flu. I missed my session with Nan today because of not feeling good. It is a bummer because I had things that I wanted to talk to her about. I really like to have a list ready of things that I need to talk to her about.
I had a message last night from W an ex of mine. We have not talked in years. I am not sure if I am going to call back or not even though I am interested in what is going on in her life. I just am not in the space to want to start hanging out together lots...and for sure I do not want to start dating W again.
I am having a slow start to my day...then it gets busy with having to take Gracie to the vet to have her rear end shaved (sorry if tmi) then I have to go shopping but since I have the flu not much in the way of food sounds good but am sure by tomorrow or saturday I will be back wanting to eat like I do. Mom is taking me on my errands....and we had decided earlier this wek to go shopping today and I do not like it when I ask to change it since she is taking her time out of her day for me. We had planned on going to go look at washer and dryers today but decided with not feeling good we would wait..........another time I will write about my phobia at shopping for large appliances and the pressures that the sales people can give...one guy last week gave me his cell phone number so that if i decided after I left I could call him and he would make sure that we would get it.
well i think this is quite the boring post about my day...i think that i am going to fix mysef a cup of hot tea and make my list for the store.

: (

2008-10-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

I have the flu....YUCK! I just talked to one of the dispatch people at Project Mainstream to cancel my rides and he had the flu for FIVE days! I have pop so that is good. I took the last Pepto Bismal. My stomach is not upset much anymore i am tired. I am craving salty things....it will have to be popcorn if I eat salty since I do not have crackers right now. I think that except for being sore and sleepy the othre symptoms have stopped. I hope so. I know it is weird when one is not feeling good what sounds good...a thin crust pizza sounds good. IF I do order a pizza I might see if the delivery person would go next door to Walgreens and get some items for me if I tip him well. The Walgreens is just next door to the apartment complex. It would be great to have some crackers and some Pepto Bismal to have in case I need it again. It has rained all night and all day so far...it is that fall cold rain. What is it about rain that is so calming to go to sleep and wake up with hearing it? I am NOT talking about storms.
I think that I am going to head back to bed for a nap and try to persuade Gracie to go with me. Gracie slept all night with me last night. She was one sleepy girl and even slept when I got up for a little while. She is such a comfort. I have been trying to cut back on giving her not as many treats and also not as much food. The vet says she should lose some weight. I cut back on some items so that she can still have those little chew bones because she likes them SO much and they keep her teeth in good shape...........talking about that I need to put some in her bowl. I have tried something that my case manager does and that is to feed her dogs green beans with some bites of chicken and less dry dog food. I tried it once with Gracie and she loved it so I think that I am going to have to make that more for her.
Well I think Gracie wants to go out even though it is raining and then I think that I am going to head to bed again................

Yummy coffee

2008-10-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

I am leaving here soon to meet with Kristy my case manager. We are meeting at Borders bookstore and I am going to enjoy a yummy coffee drink and perhaps a cookie or two or might get a sandwich. They have good food. I try to not spend too much money there since I now there once a week and like to get a treat even if it is a coffee like a latte or mocha. I am REALLY trying to stretch my money ! I hope that I can spread one month's money into two months. It is hard for me to do this but I really am wanting to do MUCH better at this so hoping that with my trying to encourage myself I can do this.
I want to also spread out what I spend for groceries. I am in a habit of eating pbj's which at first I got in the habit money wise after losing so much food from being without lights from the storm for a week but now I am really liking them and eating them once a day either part of breakfast or sometimes for dinner or a snack. Mom had gotten me grape jelly which i really like even just jelly bread tastes good to me. What kind of jelly do you enjoy? I will blogl later on most likely to share what goodies I had.....this is an lj for today....playing with gracie....emailing some folks who i have needed to do....computer working is a big joy....cool and sunny day......
back from having a coffee which i got was a mocha and then i treated myself even more and let myself get a wonderful sandwich. it was really good but not something that i want to spend my money on each week...i would rather spend it on a few things and not just one sandwich each week which if i did get it each week at the end of the month i would have spent about $20! there are many things i can get for that amount of money. i think that i will stick to getting the good coffee drink. i would like to get to know the names of the people who work at the cafe since they are starting to know mine just from my friend and i talking. i am horrible at knowing names and remembering them it is embarrassing to me yet it is something that i have trouble with all of my life and...someone i know says if you say there name five times when you are talking to them one is more likely to remember it. john says it helps him remember names better that way. mom is bringing to me some laundry...the washer does not rinse and the dryer does not work so mom is blessing me that we do not have to go to the laundry mat. it is actually easier for her so she does not have to leave home and come get me and go to a laundry mat and wait and such. this way she can do them at her apartment complex when she wants to do them and then will just bring them over sometime when she is out and/or has some other things she wants to bring over to me. she is amazing! i do not know many people who are her age and are so active! she has a birthday next week and she is looking foward to it.....m is going to have a friend of mom's and mom come to her place and show the friend downtown where they live and the loft that they live in.....mom and i are going to go get fancy coffee and split a dessert or two. it should be fun. mom likes doing these sorts of things since she does not need things to decorate and liked to buy her own clothing and those sorts of things. i hope that everyone is having a good day....anyone want to share his or her favorite coffee drink and/or do you prefer just regular coffee?

errands ran...............

2008-10-05T14:50:00.000-07:00

It is a pretty fall day and I got all of my errands ran. The medicine kicked in so my legs were alright until like the last half hour. I got my hair cut for which I am so happy about. I am so happy it is hard to describe that it is October and I am doing really good as far as the bipolar and the d.i.d. goes. I am so thankful...it helps too taking the prn medication once a day right now too. It is times like these when I want to cry since I am so relieved that things are going good. Thank you God too!!!

Sunday..................

2008-10-05T09:50:00.000-07:00

i did not go to church today...it was a rough night with my pain. i was kind of dreading trying to go up and down just the very very few steps that i woud have to use. i knew too it is the day that mom typically takes me to run some errands and i really need to push myself to do some of these errands. i should have pushed myself to go to church. i am always bummed when i miss and the decision was made when i was half asleep half awake and leg screaming in pain. it seems a bit better now with having taken my pain medication and motrin. i did remember to eat something because motrin and the pain medication on a empty stomach does not do well. i was going to go to the library today but still have two books to read so i think that i will take it off of my list for today. i am eager to go back and read some books that i read lots when i was a kid. i was an AVID reader when i was a kid! i would go get five books out at the library read them and then go back the next week...i tend to be a fast reader plus even faster as an adult because of a class on speed reading i took. my first grade teacher her goal was to have every kid like to read by the end of the year.she let kids bring in comic books or whatever subjects a child was interested in...what a gift she gave to us all that for me and i hope others has continued on.
i am still doing really great not drinking caffeine free. i think it will be harder to not drink coffees and such with caffeine as it gets colder....but i can get caffeine free latte's which are yummy with hazelnut and then i typically get the sugar free hazelnut and with skim milk and then treat myself with them adding some caramel syrup on top of it. i also have found that if i ask them to add in the sugar substitute while they are making the drink it mixes in much better and tastes much better.....so readers what kind of coffee drinks do you like or do you not like them and just prefer regular coffee or teas?

beautiful day.............

2008-10-04T14:27:00.000-07:00

quite fallish. i had a good day going over to my mom's for soup and pumpkin pie. what great fall food. i voted absentee today and was glad to get that done. i got a bonas in my monthly check of what is mine to spend....not my ssd check just the part of it that i get after my payee pays my bills for the month. i am happy about that because i could use it with needing to get my hair cut and mom has a birthday this month.
my pain level yesterday was so bad that i did not go to my group last night. i was asleep off and on last night. today it was better and then it started getting worse again. i am going to try to stay up for longer than i did last night and even with the pain perhaps than i will sleep better.
gracie is enjoying the fallish weather and is in her mood again to play baby (chase the toy and want me to wrestle her for it etc....and then throw it for her to catch) it was so cute i thought today when i said wheres the baby she came running over to me...: ) i do call her my baby sometimes. it was one of those times i wish that i had a camera and could have taken our picture.
not much is new with me just wanted to check in and say hi..and i am glad to have my computer back and working is for sure for me a large joy.

Good day..............

2008-09-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

even though my pain level has been high. I think that today I will let myself take a dose of the pain medication this evening. I think it has to do with the changing weather and such. Mom ran me on some errands. I was sure bummed when I went to Trader Joes and they did not have the bbq chicken wings with blue cheese....I am NOT a huge bbq fan but these wings are incredible! The type of food I would like to always have some in my freezer. I guess I could make my own bbq wings and put some blue cheese over them....hmmmm I will have to think about that.
I was sure tempted when I was at Giant Eagle to get pop with cafeine but I did not. I AM going to let myself have something yummy with cafeine tomorrow when I go to Seattles Best the coffee place at Borders Book Store.
I am reading an interesting book that is called Radical Jesus I think and it is timeless answers for timely questions. I still am reading lots. The books that I loved as a kid I am thinking of rereading if I can get them at the library such as Nancy Drew....maybe the Hardy Boys...Little House on the Prarie Books..I want to keep up with reading a book a week yet am in the mood to get into some reading that is not so intense.
Hmmmm what to have for well early dinner or late lunch....Mom and I stopped while we were out to get some cocoa from Tim Hortons which is so yummy and we got some tim bits also yummy and so that was a late breakfast at around 12:30 p.m. and now I am hungry again. I think I will eat something like dinner now and then perhaps have a snack later on...guess it is not really early since it is 5:00 right now.....mom brought me some leftovers from her week so lots of yummy items as choices go. What are people reading these days?

Another beautiful day...................

2008-09-28T10:34:00.000-07:00

here. I have a sweatshirt on because I needed it this a.m. but am thinking that I could put on a short sleeve shirt but for what ever reason maybe perimenapuase instead of getting hot flashes i get cold flashes. It was a good teaching at the service. I got invited to someones home next saturday and she is going to show me how to make sushi and we will eat that for dinner. I have not eaten much sushi but am ecxited about it. Today mom and I will do some errands and then go over to her place to do a load of laundry and take a shower.
This morning I opened the door to let Gracie out and found that I had left the key in my door! I was upset with myself and also thankful that I always put a chair against the patio door for safety and also when the wind blows it tends to blow the door open and such. I am going to have to check to make sure that the key is not in the door. I am sure for awhile it will be one of those things that I get obsessed about checking often.
lj's so far are getting invited over to dinner......warm comfy sweatshirt on a cool morning....getting to take a shower (mine is still not working)....i have been on antibiotics for almost two weeks now and am feeling better...not sure if i am going to go back to the doctot to see if i should take another round since i am not totally healed or just wait a bit to see if i should...guess i should call and ask her. now back to the lj is that i am feeling better......continuing to read lots! i think since july i have read around 20 books. i am keeping track and would like to read at least one book a week. i am a fast reader and i like to read too....so what lj's do others have to share today?

Great fall day!

2008-09-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

It is a beautiful fall day! I am hoping to get it together to get my place picked up so that I can spend sometime outside cleaning off the patio. I need to pick up and do dishes and those sorts of things YET my brain is wanting to read more of the book that I am reading which is called "Vintage Jesus" timeless answers for timely questions. I know already most of what the authors are talking about but it is good to be reminded and to see others perspectives on things. Good news is that I think that my mom is going to buy me a new washer and dryer which is fantastic because for one they both are old...the dryer sounds like a freight train and the washer will not rinse well. they MIGHT be able to be fixed but the best thing money wise is to buy news so we do not have to pour money into something that is not going to last much longer.

I am still needing to find somene who can fix my shower. Mom has been quite generous in letting me take a shower at her place and doing laundry over at her place too. Mom amazes me how she keeps going and going and does so much. I do not think any of my family read this blog but in case I will not go into detail but Mom and I are making some really cool christmas gifts this year I am eager to get started.

Life is seeming more back to norm with the electric back and then having the computer fixed etc....Gracie I can tell is even more herself with the week of no lights and such over and my being at my desk and she is under my desk taking a nap..she looks so sweet and calm. I hate to move to wake her up but usually if she has been in a deep sleep she will just go back to sleep or wander over to where I am in and lay down again.

What good books have people been reading? What lj's do you have to share?
Some lj's for me today so far....sleeping in and Gracie sleeping in also...being on the computer...getting into a pattern of spending a good amount of time in prayer before i get up from my bed in the a.m. .....Gracie such a sweetie....grape jelly for my pbj sandwiches which I tend to be eating at least one a day which are cheap and good....getting together with my friend eleanor tonight...i am almost done with my antibiotics and am feeling better.
well i told myself that i wanted to start cleaning by two p.m. so 20 more mintues on the computer for now.

caffeine

2008-09-26T14:05:00.000-07:00

I am trying to get off of caffeine. It is not easy but I am getting used to it. The caffeine was causing some not so good things with my body. I miss it and drink it some but it has been most of the week without. I look at the diet pepsi's and they look so good but so has the the things that affect my body remind me of this is something i need to do. Anyone have a favorite caffeine free drink that they would recommend.IF I do break down and have a cup of regular coffee i try to have it by 3:00 p.m. or the latest like around 5:00. I am so glad that one can have a caffeine free latte with skim milk and some shots of a sugar free flavor...o.k. while talking about drinks i found out something that i did not know and i do not think many people know and that is that a banana is 100 calories! Did you know that?

First off............

2008-09-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

for some reason i am not sure of i can read blogs but cannot post a comment on most of them which is a bummer....speaking of that i am happy for kelly that she is going to get to go to the concert. we all have people we like who others do not like. wow has it been a wild few weeks with the storm we had here! i lost mine for seven days! i am so thankful and grateful that mom had hers so she made me dinners and we would go out to eat and also just for gracie and i to get out some...there are still MANY trees down and such. i lost every thing in the fridge and freezer. again mom was so helpful in buying me some staples till the first of the month. my friend eleanor was so sweet she was making pot pies for her kids and to take to two friends of her who are getting over an operation so she made one for me too! it is so good and is for sure a few meals since it is the size of a family one made in a pie pan. i do not mind pbj's at all yet it is a nice change....she even brought me some grapes and a loaf of bread and was going to bring me some peanut butter but her daughter got into it but that is alright because i already have that and put the bread in the freezer since i already having one...does anyone else like frozen grapes? i do it is almost like a treat to me with them being icey and yummy. i eat fruit better when it is really cold and kind of icey.
gracie did o.k. during the storm she was bothered some when i had to use a flashlight at night and she also i think wondered why i was going to bed early for me since i would for the most part go to bed when it got dark. one kind of new thing for me is i am spending more time in prayer and i try to have it when i wake up to spend a good amount of time praying not just for me but for lots of people and situations i know that i am to be spending more time in intercessory prayer and am trying to be faithful in that.
i was surprized and blessed and felt loved by God the way I got thru the storm and no lights and that mom and i were safe because we did not think it was as bad as it was so we were out driving in it! the wind was so fierce at times yet we were both surprized at all of the destruction that it caused. it was the first time in 100 years that it had happened. they say the wind gusts did not get so high to cause a tornado but one would think that it had been one. how has the weather been where you all live?
i can tell that i have missed blogging because i am so "chatty" so some lj's for today....homemade pot pie...yummy ate some for breakfast and for a early dinner....mom and i went and looked at washer and dryers today checked out a discount place but not much of a discount plus if we go to this other place they have 24 month payment plan...gracie is such a support and such a sweetie. i found out that vinager helps take away the smell and such if one cleans up dog messes and then the odors go away even the vinager one.has anyone tried that before?.....and not least nor last are my blogger buddies whom i miss much. i hope somehow i can figure out on some of the blogs to leave comments i guess other wise i will need to leave my comments to people on my blog. hope that you all have a good weekend....who knows i will most likely post again this weekend. take care and everyone remember to take some time to take care of yourselves.

I am back online.......................

2008-09-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

hello all.......wow has it been awhile. i was blessed that a friend of mine andy asked a friend of his to fix it and he did. it i tell you is such a blessing to have it back again. it is such a support for me!
i do not have much to share that will not be ages old. the wind storm here in ohio affected so so so many in this area. i was without lights from sunday before last when the storm hit and last sunday. mom was such a blessing (she had lights) to bring me dinner and take me out for dinners. gracie did fair...was not happy with it being dark and my using the flashlights.
i have missed you all...not sure if i will be able to read what all i have missed but one of these days i might. i want to catch up with writing people......i am feeling amidst the storm and not having lights even though i freaked out at times that God was here and with me....some lj's are trying the little bites brownies are so so good and just one serving.entermanns is the brand.....even if it does not happen my sister and brother in law might help money wise if i get into the program so just knowing that they want to help is a warm fuzzy aka lj....i have a friend e who i know from church who she and i are getting to be better friends. it is nice to have a telephone buddy to talk to during the week and to do things with also very nice jesus loving person....did i ever mention i have polka dot shoes red polka dot shoes which are so fun to wear and i smile when i see them....so some lj's for now and a huge joy for having my computer fixed.

STILL NO COMPUTER..................

2008-08-27T13:40:00.005-07:00

at home. I am not making it to the library as much as I would like to and feel funny with using my mom's also. a friend of mine andy so am going to he check with him this weekend since he has had it to work on. life has been very intense but i am hanging in there....still no shower so have to come over to mom's to take one........mental illnesses are also intense but hanging in there. i sure do miss much reading blogs and emails and to keep up on what is going on with people sure hope that it will be soon that i have it back. take care everyone.....know you are all missed and that i hope that things are good with you all.....................

2008-08-27T13:40:00.003-07:00

2008-08-27T13:40:00.001-07:00

HI

2008-08-02T10:47:00.000-07:00

hi everyone......i sure miss having a computer...and miss keeping up with all of my blogger buddies. i just have a few minutes left on this computer since i am at the library and had to check my email. i stil have the computer that is not working. i think someone else is going to be looking at it soon.
things beside the computer and shower issues are going good. i am really going to try to find a place to volunteer at. i am going to try to go to the library once a week and also have some time when i am at my mom's. let me know how you all are doing with the comments. i hope that everyone is doing well. i will be so glad when hopefully the computer is fixed or i get a new for me but used one. i do not need much power i do not download music nor save much on the computer so do not need much..well folks my time is up for the computer and people are waiting God bless you all.....send me an email when you get time and know that it might take some time to email you back and know that even though i am not in touch much i often wonder how everyone is..........remember to seek lj's.............: )

Friday.............

2008-07-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

is here and I am so happy about that......because I am going over to my Mom's to take a shower since mine does not work. It is going to be a busy weekend full of ups and downs. I think that I mentioned that a good friend of the family died..Paul who was such a man of God and also a dear family friend. The memorial service is tomorrow. It will most likely be one with many people there. Tomorrow is my birthday. I typically get really depressed but this year I have not. My friend Eleanor and Mom and I are going out to eat Sunday is probably be a routine one. One of the gifts from my mom is to pay off my libary fines so that I can start checking out books again. I am right now besides the Bible am reading two books. One of the books is about extreme muscle pain and the other is about variou ailments of the brain ...very interesting. It is not like a text book it is a doctor's observations with people he knows and are his patients.....things such as the brain telling a young man that he is not blind....a doctor with tics all of the time except when he is performing an operation or dealing with one of his patients. i need to read other things than medical and mental illnesses so being able to check things out of the library i need to make sure that i check light reading out too
gracie is doing so great being out on the patio. she has spent almost the whole day out there. she is going to be bummed when mainstream comes and i have to go since she will have to come inside.
i hope that eveyone can find some lj's in ones day. i hope that everyone has a good weekend.

Painful day................

2008-07-10T14:47:00.000-07:00

and I have been trying to get things done such as cleaning so my pain is much worse due to my stubborness.....at least now with doing laundry i can sit down in between loads. i am grumpy today....i did have my appointment with nan which was good as normal but besides her i am not much in a mood to talk to people...i think it is a combination of lots of things including the physical pain and deep thinking and who knows what else....that is all that i have for now. maybe i will have more tonight....having a birthday always causes many thoughts and feelings and my birthday is on saturday.

little joys and big ones.....................

2008-07-09T15:48:00.000-07:00

Today has been overall a good day except for later afternoon I got grumpy and the only things that I can figure out is that it has to do with my cycle. Mom and I went out to eat for lunch. We went and did some shopping for basics such as dog food and those sorts of things. I did buy some socks. I am really hard on socks and go thru them really fast...I also needed to buy some black socks to go with a pair of black pants that I am wearing to a funeral on Saturday. I am planning to dress up which for me means a nice shirt and a pair of black pants that I wear on a regular basis. So after shopping Mom and I had to wait for my rx's to be filled so I wanted to go to Starbucks so we did and not sure why but my frappacino was free! I went back to get my rx's and one of them was free because with my rx plan I paid enough this year that it should be free for the rest of the year. So those are a little joy and a big joy. I got home and had a package which to get packages are always fun I think and it was some of the clothing my Mom bought me for my birthday so that was fun to open up and see...she had gotten some of the ideas for what i wanted yet had some ideas of her own which is so sweet.....
so i sure do not want to sound like i am bragging...and i do not want to depress anyone who is having a hard time. so................please know that i am just trying to share some little and big joys..............but please let me know if you think that it is rude of me to share so much. i just consider days like this God working and reminds me of things like the blessing kelly jene and her family was blessed with being able to take a vacation....and other things such as these......
i am planning to relax and watch t.v. andplay with gracie. i would like feedback on what i questioned about...and i hope that you can find some lj's and bj's in your days.........
o.k. one more thing is that i do know lots of my readers struggle much and i never want to hurt someones feelings. i am open too for sharing some about the being on disability and with some ideas for help with getting medical help and things like that....and am here if one needs to emotionally vomit and has more specific prayer requests than general ones if you want for me to pray for.

PRAYER REQUEST

2008-07-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

PRAYER REQUEST....JEFF C THE PASTOR WHERE I GO TO CHURCH IS HAVING A OPERATION ON FRIDAY. HE IS HAVING ISSUES WITH CHRONIC INTENSE PAIN WITH HIS SPINAL CORD BEING ON HIS NERVES. PLEASE PRAY FOR THE DOCTOR TO KNOW WHAT TO DO AND TO USE THE SKILLS HE HAS...FOR A FAST RECOVERY...FOR HIS KIDS AND WIFE BUT FOR HIS KIDS WHO WILL WANT DAD TO BE ABLE TO GET AROUND....FOR HIS RECOVERY TO BE SMOOTH AND THAT THIS OPERATION TAKES THE PAIN AWAY. PLEASE PRAY TOO THAT PEOPLE WILL GIVE HIM SPACE AND NOT BOTHER HIM WHILE HE IS RECUPING THAT IF THEY NEED TO OR HAVE TO SPEAK WITH A PASTOR THEY WILL CONTACT PATRICK OR MICHAEL OR HIS OR HER SMALL GROUP LEADER.
ALSO A GROUP FROM CHURCH LEFT TODAY TO GO TO CAMBODIA AND THAILAND TO VISIT THE ORPHANAGES . PLEASE PRAY FOR A SAFE AND UNEVENTFUL TRAVEL. PLEAE PRAY FOR THE TEAM BECAUSE MANY OF THEM HAVE NOT BEEN THERE YET OR ON SUCH A LONG TRIP BEFORE...AND FOR THEIR FAMILIES HERE THAT THE WEEKS WILL GO SMOOTHLY FOR WIVES AND THE KIDS TO GET ALONG AND CAN OPEN UP TO OTHER PEOPLE WHEN THEY NEED HELP OR WANT SOME SUPPORT. I AM EAGER TO HEAR ABOUT THE TRIP. I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT I TAKE TIME DURING THE DAY WHENEVER THEY COME TO MIND BOTH JEFF AND THE TEAM TO PRAY FOR THEM.

Hot Day................

2008-07-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

It is a hot day and so all three fans are on here....my mom's a.c. is still not working and i think that the maintnance guy has been there eight times and the carpet cleaners once and will have to come back again because of the carpet is wet again. it seems better to me to get a new a.c. but mom and i do not think that will happen. i am glad for her that she lives on the 15th floor so she gets some breeze.
Today has been a good day...I hesitate to share because I know other bloggers who suffer much and without insurance do not have the means to go and get checked out and pay it in cash. I will just say for now that I had a doctor's appointment and it went well. I like much how my doctor listens to me and takes time with me. Today she had a student doctor following her around which was fine since we just needed to talk she did not need to check my body out so would not had been comfortable with a student doctor there but the student was female which is always easeir for me...but i still do not think that i would have let her be in the room. the doctor is always kind about letting me say if i am alright with it or not.i am all for students learning and such just some days i am more open to them being in the room.
I think from our conversations that she wants me to really pursue the rehab place more so one of these days when i have time and patience i will call the billing department and have them talk to me about what goes on if i get my check when i am there or not. i have heard if it is only 3 months one gets the checks still and then i have heard that one does not. i have to still pay my bills when i am in there so if i did not get my checks than i could not do it unless somehow came up with the money for the basic bills like utilities....condo fee and such....
i wanted to try my stove out tonight but it is so hot that i might just wait until it is at least a bit cooler.....................
some lj's for today...i ate breakfast which is good for me to do....had really nice drivers today and in fact had allen who is my favorite driver. we always have good conversations and talk about Jesus and the Bible and what is going on in each of our lives....Ann who is one of the office help at the doctors office is so friendly and makes one feel welcome and anything you need that she can help you with she does it...she is a inspiration to me because about a year ago or so she got hit by a truck so suffers daily with intense pain but she does not show it even when you ask her she will be honest and tell you how bad it is but she does not seem to feel sorry for herself...i want to be more like her...oh actually a big joy and that is after all of these years gracie is getting better at going outside to go pee and poop! i tried something new and i think it helps and that is when she has an accident i clean it up with a combo of water and clorox not much of the clorox but enough to make it cleaned up and she does not like the smell of clorox so she will not go in the same spot like she used to go . i hope that it countinues! i am happy to have fans here even when i do not have a.c.....what lj's can you think of...and what downers to the day do you want to share also.....................

3rd time trying

2008-07-07T15:58:00.000-07:00

to publish a post so am trying again. Yesterday and part of today was rough due to physical pain. It seems better a bit this evening....laying down helps the pain. I have to wait until Brian cames to take the trash out. I SO appreciate that my home group is so helpful to me. I had a good session with Nan today. She now has a frog named Mac who is so cute and busy and liked to be held and well makes me want to have a frog or two. Nan's sons each have one....and on the weekend Mac goes home to play with the other frogs. I think it would be fun with not much work but my concern is if I happened to drop him or her and Gracie gets it. I cannot even afford to have a frog right now but sure is fun to play with Mac when I see her.: )
I was bummed to know that on Saturday evening when I was at church (which I knew I was to be) my cousin Brian was in town and saw Mom but I missed seeing him. He comes to this area from time to time since his niece and her family live in a town about 45minutes from here. We have not been in contact in years nor with his siblings either so we have been emailing back and fourth and getting to know each other more.
I am trying to stay out of bed until a bit later so that I don't just sleep for lots of hours and there are some shows that I like to watch so even if I stay awake to watch them I will get a long night sleep. I see my doctor tomorrow to see if she will give me an rx for the home health aide and need to get an rx from her.....I am blessed to have a very nice doctor who is full of wisdom. I think I am going to try to unwind and try to settle down and watch some t.v. It has been a good day.

Yummy and Quick....

2008-07-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

I decided to experiment with the nutrition power...so i made some diet pudding so with the milk and the milk is what 80 calories. ....i stirred in a half portion of the poweder and so that would have been 50 calories and stirred and stirred so it became kind of like pudding and kind of like a frosty and it was really yummy and below 200 calories. I then knew I should have more than that so when I got to church I had three mini muffings....also yummy. I ate around 9:45 a.m. and now I am starting to get hungry and it is four hours later so that is good that it kept me full thta long. I am going over to Mom's to eat and will probably eat around 3:30 or so ...i think i need something small to tide me over till then........not sure what though a protein bar sounds good to me....so does oatmeal.....hmmmmm what to have.
it is a sunny day and it is so good to have a day when there no rain, j hope that everyone has a good and peacefull day,

I believe in that God..............

2008-07-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

sets up divine appointments. I realized that when I got off my bus at church last night..(the church that I used to go to and now go to a plant from the church) so I got off the bus and there is a young man..who i will say j so to keep some anominity....he has been coming around to church and the small group that I go to...He is a sweet young man just has a heap of things going on in his life and j is trying to turn back to God and to stay sober. So.............I have been praying for him and gave him a book to read and it kind of seems to be like I am kind of like a mom figure to him is what God wants me to do......................so all of that to say I saw him at church and he had a really hard week....a friend of his also young he was 22 died due to an overdose. J i will say seeks prayer and is so open to what is going on in his life. I admire him for that. I think and others see that when this season of his life is over that he would be great with working with teens and such since he has been there and done that. The church service was great enjoyed hearing the new worship pastor and seeing some people who I have not seen for awhile. I did not get to talk to j afterwords becuse he was getting some prayer upfront and I had to leave so I could get my ride. So that is what I meant about divine appointment so that I could be there when j was struggling and prayed for him before and during the service...and I realized that I to some of the younger people probably seem like a mom to them. God is good. God loves us so much even when we screw up or are in deep with feelings and such............God is faithful

not much new..................

2008-07-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

with me right now. i know for many people it was a day off work but for me it was just another day... not complaning just explaining. i slept SO good last night! gracie also slept great last night too! i had an doctor appointment with dr weiss it went greate and the only change is taking me off one of the medications that i took for years but now it makes me sick to take it so i took myself off of it...we had tried taking it to half a dose and then still was making me sick so i stoped it and so that was fine with me. the doctor is such a good doctor and listens to me and vice versa. i want to make everyone who reads this that i do not just change my medications without checking with the doctors and with this medication he and i had talked about it before.
i wanted to ask those of you who pray to pray for a woman brenda who is really struggling right now she could sure use some peace and calmness...i do not want to share more since it is her story and plus i do not want to out her in blogger land.
tonight i am going to the big cooper road vineyard to visit. i have not been theere exceot for a concference in about a year. one couple is leaving in august to start a church overseas. they will do a great job at it! eric and julia are dear people and were there with me during some of the reallly hard times i had...i am NOT thinking of going back just am hoping that i will see them and also want to meet or hear the new worship leader..........in a crowd as big as cooper road is which is like seven plus thousand worship is wow an incredible excperience being with that many people and worshioing and then also worshiping in your own heart and mind what is says to do say raise hands or pray internally or pray for someone............i am hoping that i can get a nap sometime before i leave tonight. hope that everyone can find a little joy and a little bit of peace and please pray for brenda that she will find at least a bit of peace and a little joy.

: ( case manager blues

2008-07-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

I had a meeting with Al my case manager today. Al is a good man and is a great case manager...AND now it looks like he is going onto another job. the turnover in this field is really high. i thought he would stay for a long time and so did he but this job came open and so far he is the only person who applied and he had one interview and has another one coming up soon. it is SO RARE to find a good case manager and one who knows what he or she is doing. i am already sad and i just found out today. i think that i covered it well when he told me but i told him the closer that it got to time for him to leave the more reactions i would share with him. i just left a message with nan. i know that she will not get it till monday but wanted to make sure that i told her....i think if i let myself i could cry right now over it all.
it will a nice diversion going over to mom's to watch the fireworks and not have to deal with the noise and turn on the t.v. that plays music to go along with the fireworks. i must be kind of hungry because i started to talk about sandwiches i saw on t.v. ha ha ha
hope that you all enjoy your evening............peace.

thursday.........designer whey

2008-07-03T08:19:00.000-07:00

i tried the product designer whey and it was not horrible but not wonderful but i think that i can deal with it if i do it in like 3 ounces of milk and use it as a suppliment but not as a meal replacer. i am eager to see how it works. i think it will be good to drink about a half hour before i eat to help me eat less.
today is a busy day for me! i have two appointments and then here where i live they have a huge celebration with parade and lots of things to do and then fireworks....it is such a huge crowd even if i could walk around it would be too many people! the fireworks are incredible! my mom lives in a high rise that faces downtown and we can see them really really well from her balcony! it makes it so nice to be able to see them and not be in the mess of it all last year some of the family came but since they all live out of town and with gas prices and such it will be just me and mom but that will be alright. it rained some so am hoping it will dry up so that the fireworks can happen.
i drank the suppliment and already i am feeling fall. i had reversed what i should have done and drank it before eating my pbj but forgot about it until i saw the cannister and decided to try it but i think for sure that with as fast as it works and how even though the taste is not great it is doable especially when i mix it with just 3 ounces of milk. it kind of reminds me of ovaltene type drink. it is kind of expensive so i think that i will decide what meal to have it before and drink it once a day.....maybe in the evening when i get the munchies...or in the morning for pre breakfast since it is hard for me to eat that meal so if i do the drink and just something small than and then eating something really small like half of a pbj sandwich or a yougurt or such or maybe a banana or ?? anyone have ideas? well my ride should be here soon so more later on probably after the fireworks...

wednesday afternoon.....food

2008-07-02T14:49:00.000-07:00

i have been pondering how life is changing for me in good ways but even when things are good i do not do great with change. i think that i mentioned that some people were here a few weeks ago and did lots of things for my place...still needs painted and the tub fixed but from the way it was to today is a total change.....a new stove and oven...a new bed.... carpet up.....some of the furniture gone.....all needed and good things yet it is a change. it is a change that i have really done well at keeping up with the picking up things and doing the small chores that i can do. i have even twice did some mopping with one hand on the mop and the other one holding my cane. it is not greaet but it does get some of it cleaned. the other change is that i have been going to bed earlier and getting up earlier so the whole schedule change...another good one has me trying to decide what to do when etc....today this morning i mopped as i said...made some phone calls that needed to be made...read the bible and spent some time in prayer and singing....made my list for the grocery and left it at home......
mom and i got together and ate fish sandwiches from mcdonalds and cones from the dq...quite a yummy lunch! i then went to krogers for the pop sale and it was $11.00 for five yes five cartons of pop and it could be coke or pepsi products...one had to buy five to get the deal....with that deal i ended up saving $14.50! we then went to aldis and then to trader joes...i got many good deals and some rather yummy looking things. it is amazing the great deals that one gets at trader joes and how friendly and helpful all the people are who work there. i think that i am stocked up for awhile now for which i am grateful. i like doing a day of shopping even though i kind of pay for it with my leg pain but to get lots of things and know that it will be weeks till i need to shop again except for milk and some perishables.
i got this suppliment that can be used like as a meal replacment or drink just like 3 ounces of it with water or milk before a meal to help not overeat...it is full of vitamins and things that are good for us...i think that i am going to try to drink it for breakfast and start out drinking it one time a day. a man who lives at the same apartment building uses it and is diabetic and it has helped him lose weight and to keep his sugar alright so that is another reason i wanted to try it. i am not a big milk drinker at all but i can handle 3 ounces of milk with this. i also liked it because even though it is $11.00 it is much less than some of the other ones i have seen plus it has some ideas of like drinking it as a meal....drinking it as a snack....drinking it like a half hour before you eat and such. my mom was kind to buy it for me since i only had my ebt card and it is not covered by it. it is a large can so i am sure it will do me awhile and then later on this month when i get my check and if i like it i think that i will stock up on it when i shop later on.
this week has been the week about food. i think except when it comes to ice cream i am doing much better....not binging which is a huge thing for me not to be doing...actually kind of funny that going over with nan what i have been eating and she said that i need to eat more during the day and not be eating so much ice cream. i am making some goals for myself for july

1. drink more water 2. eat less ice cream
3 drink pop without caffaine most of the time and if drink other make sure that they are dietl

anyone want to share about his or hers ups and downs of food?

monday afternoon

2008-06-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

so far i have not eaten much at all. my pain level has been really acute last night and today so i have been laying down most of the day so far and the funny thing is gracie has been resting as much as i did!
1:30 p.m. i tried for the second time the healthy choice cafe steamers...they are really really good i think...the beef was done and the veggies were done yet still a bit crispy. the sauce was so good too. i was really impressed with them and encourage others to try them. i am not sure how much they were because a friend bought some food for me (which was so sweet) i know that i plan to get them again the next time i need to stock my freezer which right now is full of food.i should have eaten sooner but i got up and let gracie out and then she came back in so i took some of my medications and we both went to rest and she slept i think....i did not sleep but did rest some of my leg so that was good choice for me today. i got up and let gracie out took the other medications for the day and then decided to eat something. i am wating because i am still not quiter full but want to wait a bit to see if i still am. i think if i had eaten a salad or such with the dinner i would not have been still hungry. well i stayed hungry and wanted to eat something healthy so i ended up eating oatmeal which i really like and now i am full. i am really trying to eat carbs with protein so figured that the meat was the protein with the oatmeal even though it is not typical to eat oatmeal with a frozen dinner for me. : )
i think my eyes are getting worse because i need to wear my glasses more. i would like to get them checked out but even if i got into the free clinic if i needed new glasses i could not afford them. i feel older if i have to wear my glasses all of the time but funny thing is i do not think a think bad about others young or older or even kids who have to wear them! i used to have a pair of really great glasses that the frames were purple looking like metal and i got comliments on them. when i went to get the new glasses the framers were to shot they said to use and since bvr paid for them i had just a few choices. i am grateful for them..just missing the purple ones that i used to have and those i even wore all of the time not that i had to at that time but i got compliments on them and felt they were something trendy to wear which i almost all of time am not trendy . i am one of those people who do not seem to follow the trends like to be basic with jeans or sweat style pants and tee shirts and such.
not much planned for today....andy is coming over after work to take my trash out for me so that is such a HUGE help because with a cane in one hand and trying to carry the trash in the other just is a mess and i tend to trip or drop things even if i use a cart it is difficult for me to push the cart and use my cane. andy and i go to church together and he was one of the people who helped at my place a few weeks ago. he is a sweet young man.
i ate a snack of chex mix one serving at around 4:30 p.m. i should eat something else before it gets later but not sure what i want.............hmmmm i think i might end up drinking a slim fast later on and call it dinner.

Food on Sunday

2008-06-29T01:11:00.000-07:00

9:oo a.m. I ate some oatmeal at home and it was around 45 minutes that I had been awake so that is good not only what time that I ate but what I ate also. 11:15 a.m. I had 3 mini muffins at church and water to drink. I took a can of diet pop with me so I had one at home and one at church. I got home and am drinking another diet pop so am drinking too much pop in such a short time. The church always has coffee and hot water to make cocoa or tea but today with the heat cold things sounded so much better. I decided that when mom and I get together today to go out to eat I will drink water or ice tea. I like ice tea so much but think that for now I have drank lots of caffaine...also now at most lf the places around here to eat are charing way high prices I think for ice tea when it is $2.00! It like pop ane coffee are not that expensive for them. Mom is picking me up at 2:00 so I am glad that I had a snack at church. It will be around by the time we get there and order and such will be eating around 2:30 p.m. so that will be around 4 hours between eating anything so that is good that it will not be longer. I am thinking of having a snack before I go but I think that I will wait. I also want to try to remember to eat something later on tonight because often when I eat out and a meal I tend to not eat in the evening...or if I do it is snack type food. I think I want to eat something like carrots and dip or such.
So talk to me about meals you like...food issues...do you eat meals or tend to do like 6 mimi meals almost like snacks.
I am back from eating out..I had tortilla soup and nachos that had cheese and black beans and peppers and such. I stopped at Walgreens to get some yep you guessed it i got some ice cream...i should have stopped at a Wendy's and get one of the newest flavor of Frosty's which is vanilla. I got two pints of ice cream so at leat I got pints I guess.I think that I am going to try to eat something healthy at least once more today. I hope everyone is having a good day.............

Saturday

2008-06-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

I am listening to the light summer rain and the smell of summer rain I enjoy too. I used to really enjoy walking in the rain when it was warm outside and there was not storms. Today I have been reflecting on last evening. It was a great time of worhip...great time of prayer too and it was a full living room too. My heart hurts for a young man who has started coming around and seems to be in lots of emotional pain...and seems like from what he has shared that life is overflowing right now with lots of painful things.
I was thinking of some lj's for today and yestereday....being able to go to the group last evening...friends who know and pick up on my body language when things are rough and talk and pray for me....even in the summer with warmer weather i still like oatmeal...i slept without having to have the fan on....gracie and i both slept really good......having a computer that works....email and blogger buddies...that i enjoy reading...that mom lets me go over to her place a couple times of week to shower since right now due to my shower and tub situation i cannot shower at home so need to take sponge baths...mom making some pesto for dinner tonight with her fresh basil which is growing very fast....gracie at times acting so silly.....those are some so far right now..................

Food

2008-06-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

I think that I am going to try to list what i eat on the blog each day...not so much for judgement but perhaps for ideas and encouragement...so I will be adding to this during the day....

11:30 a.m. I got up at 10:25 so I did eat within within two hours of waking up. I had oatmeal and stirred in some peanut butter. I did drink two diet cherry cokes 4:00 p.m. I ate with Mom at her home and we had yummy bbq chicken. I had pesto with noodles...and a wonderful salad with a mixture of greens. 8:00 p.m. i ate a klondike for a snack I forgot to mention that the pesto was homemade from the basil my mom is growing.The herbs that are growing on her patio are really growing fast and fresh herbs are so much better than the kind one gets in a bottle at a store.

Friday

2008-06-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

Not much to say today...I am in a heap of pain due to falling off the bed last night while I was asleep. I had something to eat when I got up...pb bagel sandwich and some ice cream...i need to drop eating the ice cream and stop having it at home. The group that I am going to tonight is going to be all praer and worship..there are some really sweet times when we do this and often times God will share words for people which are encouraging. It is hard at first to think that God wants one to share something but I will do is say that I think God is showing me something so that it does not come across that God for sure or perhaps it is my own thoughts. I know this can open up lots of discussion so that is fine too because I wanted to post what is going on right now with me. I hope you all have a good weekend..........think of some lj's

Food Today so far...................

2008-06-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

I had soup and a klondike bar for breakfast....for a late lunch I had a DQ blizzard and a small fries and double cheeseburger....lots of fast food the past few days not good for me but oh does it taste good.
We had a really bad storms last night and had a tornado warnings and so....I found myself singing hymms lots among watching the weather report. Gracie surprized me and did better than she is during usual thunder and lightening. I was blessed by that and that I stayed calm and even stayed calm when for the 3rd time this week the electric has gone off for a few hours. I got a phone message that they think that they solved one problem and know what the other problems are and would be fixing them soon.
Getting back to food...I have mentioned this before but I have got to figure out other ways than food to cope when my physical pain level is high. I know that the experts say to sit at a table to eat but it is kind of sad and boring to me to sit at my table alone so I do better when I eat at the computer desk...or watching t.v. ...playing with Gracie...for those readers who are single or who due to whatever families do not eat togther have you experienced the same thing? I hope to not eat much at all the rest of the day...I think if I do get hungry I will drink a slim fast or have some veggies and dip. I better get Gracie inside as she is being one barking pup right now.

Running Errands.

2008-06-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

Mom is picking me up in about 45 minutes for us to run some errands. I am also going to go over to her place so that I can take a real shower since mine is still not working....sounds funny to say please pray that my shower can be fixed quickly and soon and not cost too much. Last night the lights went out again like they did this weekend. They were out for about 7 hours! I ended up going to sleep and then waking up when it got turned back on with my washer going and also the light and fan in the main room going so needed to get up and turn everything off...and make sure that since the computer was on when it happened that it still worked and all of that. The paving company has been working on paving so lots of hassles this week so far. I ate a p.b. sandwich so a good mix of carbs and proteins so that was good choice for breakfast. I wanted to eat some yougurt with it but the yougurt even though it had valid date it tasted bad to me...and with the electricity off want to be extra careful if food tastes bad since the electric was out for awhile. It should be fine but I am extra picky and have a nose that is extra sensative so probably the yougurt will not be the only thing that I try and will taste funny thoght it might be all in my head too......

Tuesday has been......................

2008-06-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

a day of not getting much done. I did not sleep last night much at all and so was an early bird and tried to nap later on but could not so guessing that I will try to relax and watch t.v. AND remember to take my medications. I forgot last night and thus why not sleeping much at all. The show " America Has Talent" is on tonight and it is so goofy at first like American Idol. I really think that some people know that they do not have talent but want to be on t.v. amd becaise they are so goofy that is why they get on t.v. What do others think about the show?

a day of grief for the death of a family friend. Paul was a very special man. He knew that he was dying and was told with his cancer he would like 18 months and he did. He and Barbara i really liked their family and spent lots of time over there when I was young. He has 3 kids and and Lisa and I are the same age. She lives in CA now and it has been YEARS since I have seen her and her family. It has been that long since I think I have also seen Sara and have not met her husband and Bret. Bret moved back from D.C. so have not seen him yet but will see all of them soon in a few weeks is the memorial service.

a day of wanting to stay home yet also want to get out some too. The parking lot was paved yesterday so should be o.k. for calls to be on it and then Mom and I can get out some.

a day when food has been rough...not wanting to eat much...i ate yougurt earlier for breakast and just now it is about 4:00 p.m. and i had a p.b. sandwich and of course now that i have eaten some i want to eat more. i think i am going to have a half of a pb sandwich and then maybe a klondike bar.

hope that everyone is having a good day....................

: )

2008-06-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

It is fun to see what comments that I am getting with the last post. It was fun to do. The lights went out last night and they took about two hours to get back on...it was an outage on my whole street. I am trying to start organizing things so trying to do that some and then give myself a break. It has been fun finding things that I have not seee in years and has been bittersweet going through some of the photos and card and such. I am so happy with myself for keeping things neat and with making progress on the boxs and such. One thing that I had totally forgotten about is a box of pastel oils and pencils that are color but the really expensive kind....probably post later and take a nap it was an early morning with trucks in the parking lot going to mpave it and the noise of the machines and the loud talking of the guys made me a bit grumpy and gracie lots grumpy...maybe we can both take a nap................

Going to try................

2008-06-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

and follow Kelly Jene's last post and think of 100 things about me and probably some of them will be like what she said.......

1. I wil have a birthday in July.
2. I love Jesus and know that He loves me...as I am AND encourages me to be a better person.
3. I know this one is hard to guess.....ha ha that my favorite color is purple.
4. I have severe mental illnesses.
5. I strive to do all that I can to keep them in control.
6. I have curly hair.
7. I have severe leg and knee pains all of the time.
8. I need to lost much weight.
9. I like to swim.
10. I need to get organized to get to the pool (indoors) and exercise It is all woman so I am more comfortable.....
11. I am wasting my Mom's money if I do not use the pass at the work out place.
12. I really like playing Upwords
13. I am NOT competive so not a good team player at games,
14. I read more than many people that I know...similar to Kelly Jene reading.
15. My longest long term romantic relationship lasted 3 years
16. I love to write and hope to write a book someday.
17. My childhood was not happy.
18. My 40's have been the best years even during the hard times.
19. Knowing what menal illneses I have has been helpful.
20. I have a dog who is like a kid to me and her name is Gracie
21. I would like to get a bird but they are expensive and Gracie would not do well with a bird and the mess.
22. I like all types of music.
23. I love that the people I go to church are real with what is going on and also the statement of loving people with mercy showing the love of Jesus
24. I need to get back to writing every day....meaning write in a jornal and write for the book.
25. I never became a wiccan but had some friends who were into it.
26. I like Wheel of Fortune and other games like that and do well also with programs like Are you smarter than a 5th grader/
27. I watch more t.v. than I would like to...an addiction of sorts
28. I have an addictive personality even if it a good thing I get hooked on things
29. I am grateful and thankful that I do not use drugs anymore.
30. I feel so loved and accepted at the church I go to and some people know much of my story,
31. I would like to see more of my nephews and families.
32. I would also like to see my sister and brother in law more.
33. All of the above mentioned live outside of the city I live in and some others live in other states.
24. I really like hanging out with kids of all ages from like zero to preteen...and have used that liking kids to have worked in daycares and as a nanny.
25. I think that I would be too boring to come up with 100 things about me so decided to think about and get ideas from what kelly jene wrote.
26.I have many fears.
27. I am blesses in the past 3 years to have some really fantastic therapists.
28. Going to the center for balanced living which used to be called center of eating disorders it is where nan is and will was...everyone is over in a real way kind and helpful and such.
29. Foods scertain ones I am addicted to.
30. I need to stop having ice cream at home because I end up eating way too much of ot.
31. I tend to like really bold colors on my walls.
32. Paint colors so far I think are going to be..........mocha color for kitchen..antique blue like or deep green for the main room....vivid green or eeyore blue for the bathroom...my bedroom purple and purple and more purple.
*33. I am having hard decision what color to paint the floor...sticking with the cement
34.I have massive things that I need to unpack from when the people came to clean boxed up things that they were not sure if I wanted them or not etc....
35. People who will not let anyone else talk and who think they know all of the amswers bother me.
36. I do not use a cell phone much but it is a blessing to have especially when I ride Mainstream and for calling long distance in the evenings.
37. I am not that great with things like ipods and saving music on the computer and have a scanner but would like to get those things sometime and a digital camera too would be fun.
38. I am celebrating my birthday 4 times so far! My mom and my friend Eleanor and I are going out to eat lunch on that Saturday. Michelle and I are going to go out for snacks that evening. My sister and bil have things to do in the city on thursdsay so with gas they are just wanting to make one trip for it all which I understand....nan and i both have birthdays the same week so we will celebrate wtih dessert ...oh and one more i thought of just now is with my best friend september we are doing something with their vacations and such it will be moved to august so another tme to celebrate.
39. My friend September is the longest friendship that we both have and we have been friends for 20 years. She is one of those friends that we often due to her life and the kids and husband and work and school we do not often get much time face to face but email and phone and can catch up quickly YET when life is hard and tough we are still friends above and beyond and she and i both would drop what we are doing if thier was a crisis with her or our families and be such a support. She was such a suppprt when my step dad Paul died.
40. I notice when I write on the blogs and even when I am writing here I tend to make a simple statement into a long one.
41. I love to worship
42.Clothing I buy for the most part in catalogs.
43. I like to buy some of the same things that Kelly Jene does and I tend to buy the writing or artistic things even when money is tight.
44. I love shopping at the Dollar Tree where things are actually a dollar. I even got 3 pairs of socks for one dollar.
45. I really like socks and am hard on socks.
46. I know it is not "cool" but I like white socks. I got to wearing white socks when I had all of the leg operations and the wanted me to wear white ones so if they got wet it wold not bleed ink into the incessions
47. It is very noticable that I am NOT good at spelling,
48. I am also NOT good at punctuation,. In school I would get an A in content and a D in grammer.
49.I like the smells of vanilla and musk and patrollit (again spelling not right)
50. I would like to when I write my book to get it into public selling.
51. I will need a good editor for when I write it. One person suggested where one can get one of those dictaion recorders and it can hold much and can also be recrding it and typing it at the same time. Kelly Jene I think that you would really like it.
52. I have two tattos that I want to get but probablly will not due to money and also not sure if I can handle the pain even thought my pain level is high.
53. I have a high pain tolerance.
54. I want to get my nose repierced...but again right now is not a time for me to spend money on those...hopefully sometime.
55. I would like to be able to use a bke and go to soem of the biking trails.
56. I used to like taking long walks but now canno do that.
57.My mom and sister sing very well but that gene just escaped me.
58. My sister is a Christain recording artist that travels
59. My nephew B owned his own recording business but is hooking up with two recording studioes and he can still keep his own clients plus get some extra hours and make money so that they will not be struggling more.
60. My mom hasd a super talent for cooking and arranging parties and brunches and my sister also has the hospitality gene but it skipped me also.
61.I am related to Nancy Hanks the wife of Abraham Lincoln. I always wonderd since she was depressed that the stories go and did that gene of mental illness come all of the way down to this generation
62. I MUCH prefer writing to communciat than talking some times.
63. I like crabapple jelly is my favorite type of jelly and I am not much of a fruit flavored lover.
64. My favorite flavor is cherry.
65. I do not like regular pepsi but like diet pepsi.
66. I like diet pepsi but not diet coke unless it is the cherry one or the caffaine free diet coke
67. I really like looking for bargains. I saved $12.00 when I went shopping today.
68. I should keep up with politics more than I do.
69. I like when I keep up with my brain thinking about little and big joys in life.
70. I really prefer a more slow and common life.
71. I REALLY need to start being somewhat green in my life!
72. I am an adult but still prefer child type candy.
73. My right leg has been operated on about 7 if I remember right and my left ankle one time thus the reason for so much arthritis.
74. I would like to see in concert sometime U2....
75. I want to try to go to the zoo this summer.
76. I would like to go back to the aquarium which is only about two hours trip
77. I love watching penguins and all that I have learned about them and how they have babies and the process and such.
78. I have not driven for about 10 years now. It is better for everyone out there on the road that I am not.
79. I do not like to travel.
80. I freak out when I get away from home for even one night.
81. I have lots of places that I want to go to but know due to my phobias that unless something major happens.
82. I have never flown.
83. I was little and rode a train from Ohio to Indiana and am told that I really liked it
84. I am not sure why but somehow when I was little like 5 or so if I got really mad I would yell P U S NO...
85. I want and need to read the Bible more
86. I want and need to pray more.
87. Years ago I wanted to adopt and foster kids who had disabilities.
88. I would still love to do that but with the way my brain is I do not even think that they would even look at my application.
89. I want to volunteer with children.
90.Some favorite movies are...Sound of Music...Shawshank Redemption...the Priest...Rattle and Hum...
91. I have never been to a sushi bar but would like to try it sometime.
92. A phrase that I say lots which I should stop it but it pops out at times and that is "holy mother of crap"
93. I am really feeling close to some of my blogger buddies.
94. I hope some day to be more like Kelly Jene with her beliefs and how she walks the talk and is real.
95.I would like to meet and hear in concert James Blunt.
96. I really do not like much fruit at all due to the mushy factor of most fruits.
97. I like all veggies.
98. I am trying to be more kind to the people who help me at the stores and such and hoping that a friendly hi will help the day be better.
99. The past few weeks has been full of lots of frustrating things yet also really great things and I am really feeling stable.
100 ?When I was little we owned a horse that kept running away so we had to give it away.

saturday....

2008-06-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

well it is a sunny day with pretty clouds and enjoying having the windows open and the door open which of course gracie is so happy to have the door open..she tends to lay right in the doorway. i was planning on going to the library and had rides with mainstream but my physical pain was so intense that i canceled my rides....i did not want to trip or fall especially outside of my home.
i decided to try some light and fit yougurt from dannon and yuck...i do not like it..i think what i might do is to add some more fruit to it....add like 1/4 regular yougurt to it so that i do not waste it plus since it would be good for me to eat the lower calorie one thinking of ideas to make it so that i will eat it. i finished the yougurt and now realize it is the aftertaste that i do not like so eatiing something else with it to take away that taste would help i think....or i could combine perhaps some cereal with it. i know it is good to have protein with carbs so i had some cereal and the yougurt so maybe it is a good thing for me not to like the yougurt much so that i will not overeat that. i am trying to eat light every few hours so that helps me not binge and to eat healthier.
yesterday evening was a good night at the group...i really feel that as a group we are all bonding more and really love each other and accept each other. we are studying the parables which are really interesting and one can see things right away in them and also can think of the deeper issues that they are meaning. there is a woman who goes to group who is really struggling right now...she seems so lonely and such so i gave her my phone number last night and she called me when i got home which i was glad that she felt free to give me a call..she did not give me and i forgot to ask her for her number..so going to try to get that today from a mutual friend so that i can check in with her and also thinking it would help her with people calling so she knows that people do care and want to know how she is doing and that we can reach out to her more.
so even though it is just mid afternoon some lj's are....playing with gracie...talking to my mom on the phone and having a good conversation. she is really seeming older to me. it is a pretty day out...i like looking at clouds and think what the shape looks like...did anyone else do that when you were little trying to see if they looked like an amimal or such? i really liked that as a kid and well still do....oh some friends from church bought me two pairs of croc shoes for which i am so grateful...i did need shoes and the crocs i think are really the most comfortable shoes that i ever have worn and they are sturdy so help my legs....got an email from a friend who we have not hung out for a few years and we are going to get together in july and i am really looking forwardt to it...she still goes to the big vineyard but her daughter and family go to central vineyard where i go....what else oh someone gave me some candles from the place where he works and i really like having one lit. candles are peaceful to me.....oh kelly jene had on her blog a link to a song sung by shaun groves and i have never heard of him before but after one song i want to get his cd....he reminds me of in his style of the song that i listened to he reminded me of james blunt..thought at times james blunt can be kind of depressing songs..but he has a good voice and meaninful words to his songs...i have two books that i want to read so probably will start reading one of them...one is about mindful eating and i forget what the other one is about...and mom has two books that are Bible studys she wants me to read and then hoping soon to which would be a big joy is for my fines at the library so that i can get books from the library........hope that everyone who reads this is having a good Saturday.................peace...................

little joys

2008-06-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

i have really been blessed and helped my outlook with thinking of lj's even if they are simple things such as right now...listening to one of my favorite cd's....being on the computer...have a great smelling candle on...watching gracie play with her new "baby" which is a stuffed bunny which i call thumper baby....and her and i playing catch too. she is really strong.....going to get together with mom to have a late lunch of fast food and gracie is going with us and have a cheeseburger with no bun one of her favorite foods....the weather is beautiful and not too warm.....it is amazing how much the weather can affect our moods....other lj's are blogger buddies...my friends who really seem like a family to me at central vineyard...diet pop....it also is an lj when i hear from others who share their little joys...guess that i am in a mood to write lots today....
i hope that you all have a good weekend! mine is going to be quiet i think and that is alright.

Ideas

2008-06-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

I was wondering if anyone had ideas of things to cook with a george foreman grill? i was given one from nan my therapist who had boughten another one which was bigger for her family. my mom is going to come over next week and help me go thru some boxes and things that were packed up for me that i need to unpack (just things that were easier to put away while all of the cleaning was going on and that they were not sure if i wanted to keep or not...oh back to mom i am going to have her come over to help and we are going to make something on the grill and have some ideas but would like more.............

Easy Phone Call.............

2008-06-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

I had geared myself up for phone call that I thought would take time and lots of explanations ...needing to get myself a home health aide and so I called....even got myself a full can of pop to be ready for the long phone call well the long phone call........was NOT long and WAS helpful and the ONLY thing that I need to do is to give the phone number to my doctor to have her recommend that I have one AND both of my doctors are wanting me to get this so it should continue to be an easy process................now to call the debt collector for a bill that i do NOT owe for because my insurance covers it............hopefully it will be a phone call as easy as this one was....o.k. the phone calls continue to go smoothly so three more done....(have put off getting an mamogram) not that i need one for a problem but at my age (which gets older in 3 weeks) i am to have one every year....called and left a message with the information which the bill collector wanted...should call and leave messages with the doctors about making an appointment since things are going so well with phone call making which often i put off...one office is closed for lunch and the other one i think i might wait until my next appointment to talk to him about the home health aide.....i made the call to see my one doctor to talk to her about getting the home health aide. i will see the other doctor around the 5th and then see dr. blackburn a week after that so things are continuing for me to be productive.
is amazing to me how having my home clean and with my keeping up with things like dishes and putting things away such as bills have made me have more energy. thanks again to ALL who helped me in so many ways last weekend. i am looking foward to the other things that are going to be fixed and such..........

Shout out for fans..................

2008-06-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

I do not have a.c. because it is broke but I have 3 fans now including the ceiling fan and it has helped so much putting one in the bedroom window in the main room along with the ceiling fan it has not been bad at all. I am so grateful. It has been a better day than night due to my pain level being high. I have been playing with Gracie and on the computer and waiting for a friend to drop off some things for me.
Mom has made for a few weeks now cabbage soup and it is so good and she says it is easy to make so I think when it gets cooler that I will try to make it myself.. I really like soup and I think that I could eat it every day....even in warm weather. I used to watch a little guy who liked what we called "dry" soup and it was soup wthout the broth and he really liked chicken noodle soup that way and other. I miss him and knowing that I have not seen Nikia for years and he is 16 I would like to hang out with him and him moms. He is going to take a walk about out of the country next year I hear..I think that I am going to try to get in contact with his mom to see about us meeting for coffee or something....
The places that i want to contact in the next few days are places that I can volunteer at....a agency to see about getting a home health aide to come and help me. I need to have a doctor request it and I think that it would be something that both my regular doctor and psych doctor are wanting for me to get the help that I need.
So now that I am back it is time for me to think of some lj's....I have experienced some big joys with the people helping me with my home...having a new bed...having a stove and oven that work....people stocking me up on grocieries...getting to spend time with Mom yesterday....watching some t.v. shows that made me think and not just zone out......finding some capris that i forgot I had...so what little or big joys would you like to share?
Oh one more thing that I wanted to share is trying to make myself have a five minute rule and that is based on my therapist nan one of her rules which is a two minute rule but since i walk so i switched it a five minute and it is if something can be done in five minutes than do not put it off just do it right then and wow has that helped me. well i need to make some phone calls....

I am BACK....

2008-06-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

AND WOW have i MISSED it! i have missed not only not being able to write emails and posts but also reading emailes and blogs.....so had not only computer problems but also regular phone issues! i have used SO many minutes on the cell phone and whew what a relief to having it all fixed! it is a long story but with a short version...the jack that my computer was hooked up on was corroded and it then it jacked up no pun intended the other phone lines....so not having line backer service it cost me around $100.oo to fix it...i am glad that they will take payments and that i did not have to pay it today!
my home is so clean. i have other things that need done but it sure is going in the right direction. i am so relaxed now that the phone and email is fixed! i could almost take a nap with the stress being gone. i will over the next few days take time to catch up on reading what is going on with people. one more thing about the fixing of the phone and internet...david the man who fixed it was so kind and knowledgable and such.....it is a large joy to have the phone and computer fixed and it is a blessing too! i think that i am going to relax some now and email some people. i sure did miss and stayed concerned about felllow bloggers...................
my shower is still not fixed so going over to my mom's tonight to eat dinner and take a shower..sponge baths can only do so many days for me. i hope that things are going well...let me know what i have missed.

p.s.

2008-06-13T11:17:00.001-07:00

just a note to add that some places i am not able to leave a comment such like andrew on your blog. i am not sure why....but sure am missing talking to you and reading your blog. i am going to try to send you an email. to others that i have not stopped by to say hi it is again about for some reason not working to leave messages. BUMMER

Using my Mom's computur.....

2008-06-13T10:12:00.001-07:00

because mine is still not working. I am so grateful that I can use hers. I am going to have a person from church look at it to see if he can figure out what is going on....if he cannot figure it out than I will have to pay someone like Home Computer Helper to come to my place and fix it. I have been quite surprized that my coping without it is going as well as it is...I sure do miss keeping in contact with people! I find myself wondering how everyone is.
My week has been an interesting week! I started on a new medication which I had concerns about but the doctor talked me into trying it. I did and I have far far less panic than in years. I am able to stay calm...my food and eating has been better. It is not a feeling of being high or anything like that. I wish now that I knew then and also that a doctor would have been open to letting me try it. A way to show how much it is working is that today and tomrrow some people from church are cleaning my home...deep cleaning and blessing me with a stove that works and also that I get a new bed that will not be all lumpy and what huge blessings that it all is and I am find and not paniced about people being in my home and such which is new for me. I am jsut feeling blesssed to have the help and also blessed and exited to feel peaceful....well Mom has made lunch so I think I will publish this for now and probably post again maybe later today. I am staying at a motel tonight because I do not have roaches or ants but have a gazillion spiders that is going to get sprayed to get rid of them! Even though it is a short time for now it sure feels good to be back for a few minutes. I miss you all....hopefully soon mine will be working again and that I can be back to my regular blogging self.

computer not working

2008-06-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

My computer at home is on the fritz and not working thus not using it for some days now. I am using the one at my mom's t0day. I do not have the time that I usually take to blog since I am not at home. I miss it lots! Hope to by next weekend to have it working again....that is why it has been quiet at my end

Wednesday

2008-06-04T11:49:00.000-07:00

It has stormed all night and rained almost all day today. I know we need the rain but it makes for a long night for me! Gracie bless you is terrified of storms and it seemed like I would get her calmed down and us both back in bed and then it would storm again and thunder and the lightening. I am not sure which one scares her more.............so between the storms and my pain and gracie not much sleep at all last night. i was going to try to take a nap but gracie still is kind of in a still scared mood it seems....hiding under furniture but then when i call for her she comes right away guess still kind of spooked because of it. she is laying in the hallway with our door open and watching the birds and such so she must be a bit better. i kept thinking last night that andrew would love these storms..
my crooked rose bush is blooming and looks pretty even though it tends to just be having roses on one side. i did not prune it when i should have so that is why i think that it is like that. i am not a person who does well with plants which bums me since i like them just cannot grow them plus my patio most of it is not in the sun so that does not help at all either......................yep the dog is spooked still...a child started crying in the parking lot and she hurried inside here and is under the desk,,,,i sure love her so it is hard for me to watch her being this way. i think too she gets a bit of a panic with my cane because i dropped it a few times not on her or even near here she just is i guess trying to cope after last night. they were bad storms...then she woke me up a few times because she was out of her water and food so i gave her more water which of course she had some but drank it all and then i fed her again during the storms thinking that might help towards the end of the storms she ate and that seemed to make her a bit more calm.
tonight i am going over to my moms to eat looking foward to her home cooking. she is cooking for a meal to take to a family we have been friends with even before i was born and paul the father is dying and he is wanting some home made cooking things he has not been able to eat in years so to help out mom is making dinner and then making lemon squares which he loves...they are yummy. it is so hard for the family to know these are his last days and for him too of course. he is a strong believer in God and i know that is helping him and his family and all of their friends to cope also.
what else................oh some people are volunteering to come help me with the condo which is much needed....and when it is interesting so that now my shower head does not work so something else that needs fixed. they are going to come a week from saturday so for that weekend i will not be near the computer since i plan since i trust them and in my small space think i would just be in the way so not sure what i will do..might go to the library and read for a few hours and things like that. i think mom and i will go out to eat once or twice during that friday and saturday....the bathroom is getting some new tiles...the oven is hopefully going to get fixed and some painting done. gracie gets to go to for paws which she does really well there so that is a relief.i will be praying for no storms that weekend because where the crates are they can see the window depending on if they are crated in the big room with all the windoes or the smaller one. i guess i should have titled this life with gracie.................................so some lj's are that i get to go over to mom's for dinner....listening to the radio....my computer is working fine even though the today the electric blinked on and off a few times....gracie is napping now which she really needs...gosh i talk about her like she is a kid but in lots of way she is my "kid" and we are so close she can tell the feelings i have when i want her to let me pet her and vice versa i can tell what she is feeling and such....guess that is it for now....................hope everyone has a good day full of lj's.......................

What a fun morning!

2008-06-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

This morning helping out with the kids was really fun today! We started the summer program which the kids seem to really enjoy it...they sang some songs I had not heard of...such as....God is bigger than the boogy man....songs that they clap hands...stomp feet...yell a phrase...and such. We are having the older kids in school be outside part of the time which is great...the kids who are in school go into the class that they will start in the fall in school...we have tee shirts that are cute and now an official name tag....the kids were in a good mood...we also moved the babies to upstairs where we meet for church so handier for the workers and for parents to not have to go downstiars and such.....what else about this a.m. OH i got to hold two babies today which i always enjoy...one is still really young and i got to see him for the first time with his eyes open...the other one looks so much like her sister does.
Kids really help me cheer up even on rough days....mainstreasm was a half hour late picking me up so I wsa late to the kids table but Erika bless her got the table ready for me. I told the Mainstream driver it was not her I was mad at because she was following the manifest....I decided that I would arrive real early than chance getting picked up later.
Mom and I are going out to eat..I am not sure where we are going I just need for it to be a sit down type when you order and such because with the pain I am having today I decided that I need to use the walker. SO besides the pain and the late trip I have lots of lj's for today! Gracie is enjoying soaking in the sun.
I have a question.....which do people think is more effective...aleve or regular motrin? I think that aleve helps some but one can only take it every 12 hours but motrin helps a little less but I can take it more times a day. I am really trying to not take either one since they say that both of those products can be hard on one's stomach.............well going to write a couple more emails befor mom gets here and while Gracie is enjoying the sun...Hope that you can find some lj's today

Saturday Late Afternoon

2008-05-31T14:09:00.000-07:00

It has overall been a good day. I found my cell phone last evening which was great because it was one of the freaking out I was doing. I knew it was in my home but forgot where I put it because I knew after I used it I had put it someplace where I would find it but no I could not remember and last evening found it in the purse that I was going to start using so that has made the day yesterday evening and today better...so a big joy about that. I went to group last evening and it was good. I really feel at home at Kori and John's place and find myself able to be me and even on my bad days. SO....being over there and hanging out and praying and studying the Bible and just fellowshiping and catching up what is new with people...........another lj..............went to get a b'day gift for their daughter who turnds 3 next saturday and found what I wanted at the dollar tree so another lj again...mom bought me some groceries which was good...i lost my food stamp card so have to figure out who to contact and such and i think that al my case manager can help me with that.....today was a beautiful day here it is warm with a breeze. we took gracie with us and i just went in the stores and mom stayed outside with gracie and so that worked out well...another lj because gracie LOVES to ride and is so good when we take her with us in the car.....so one thing i did realize that the more nervous that i am the more i drink pop or water and it just is becoming a habit which if i drank water all of the time would be good for me! i am trying to just keep diet pop at home. andrew mentioned about sprite vrs 7 up and i agree i do not like 7 up but on occasions i do like sprite one or the regular sprite. one more thing about food is that i have been trying not to keep ice cream here at home so I do not overeat it and today i was thinking of getting some and mom and i decided to get a dairy queen cone and i got my fill of ice cream and ended not buying at the store. i was so happy with myself about that! i am rereading this and it is kind of boring but i am happy that the freak outs and spiraling that i am having a better day today.............

rough day....................

2008-05-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

i had a rough night and then today has been rough also..it is tmi to talk about on my blog. i am doing what i know to do to help myself. gracie is having a good day on the patio in the warm weather. hope that everyone who reads this has a good day.

Thursday................

2008-05-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

It has been such a beautiful day outside..nice and warm and sunny and not a cloud in the sky have I seen. My day got a bit of a hassle when my cordless phone stopped working so when I get a call I have to go into the bedroom to get the other phone and by the time with my walking I miss the call and have to call the person back..but now it is working again for which I am grateful for and it for sure is an lj.
Food has been hard today...I ate mac and cheese today for breakfast so not a great start to the day and I overate. I just had some crackers again no protein so the day right now is not being a day of choices . I think that I am going to drik a slim fast here in a bit. I really want to go out to eat tonight but I do not have the money and not sure if Mom will want to go....she is out buying plants and probably running some errands.
I binged last night on of all things gummy bears and yes at my age I still really like gummy candies. I ended up eating the whole bag! I would eat like a forth at a time and then later on go back and again eat until I was thinking well I blew it this time might as well finish it off. I am now hungry for ice cream and chocolate which I do not have in the house...and hopefully get the taste of chocolate from the slim fast since it is chocolate flavored....sure it is not like real chocolate but I think will help....if anything have something that has some protein and such...i also have not tried it but got some vanilla ensure...one thing i know for sure is that each of those have to be really really cold to taste good. i think too it has to do with my cycles which now that i am in perimenapause that really affects me lots since it is on and off and such...wont get into tmi so will stop typing about it

yeah an lj soon to be is my mom called and we are going to get together. she had a large joy today with things on sale and also with a discount she was able to get four shirts and four pairs of capris for under $100.00! she has been looking and this store she found a sales clerk who had mom just sit down and she went to look for what she wanted...i think it is so great when one has someone who is willing to make the effort to help. my mom has some of the same issues with her legs hurting.she amazes me at her age. i am so so so happy for her that she was able to get some good things at great prices! she is so so giving and i like it when she is taking care of herself.
we are going to go for a ride soon........probably going to go by a fast food place to get some dinner so i will choose some protein when we go there.i hope that everyone can find some lj's in the day.................

back from borders

2008-05-28T12:39:00.000-07:00

i had a good time at borders with al. he is so supportive and helpful too. the appointment with jfs he can go for me so that is great. it is one of the checking out how much money and such that i am getting so that my benefits can continue. jfs is always really a chaotic place! it is chaotic even when it is not busy. i just have to gather a few things for him to take with him and then he will drop it off on his way back from the appointment. al is such a good case manager....he even told me he knew how hard i worked and to stay out of the hospital when i was having that hard time. it is nice when people notice. and it is good too when a person knows if i do have to go inpatient that i still work hard.
i had one of the supreme cold drinks today and wow is it yummy even though i should think more about how much it cost and such but i tend to only treat myself to one of them a month so that is not too much right? the guys who work there are always so nice to me....they carry my drink over to tabke and even make sure to bring napkins and a straw. i am clumsy at times and now with using the walker more then i cannot carey a drink or so..i feel clumsy enough with carrying my
purse and such.
it was good to get out for a bit today. i am doing some laundry. gracie is enjoying the patio and hope for her that she does not bark much and if so i have to bring her in. it got lots warmer today. i did not need my sweater on my way home. the driver was saying just in the past hour or so it got warmer....more like spring.
i am happy that my computer seems to better so not sure why it was not but not going to try i mean i am going to try not to worry about it.
it sounds weird i am sure that i am really trying to pray not only about big things but smaller things too...in the scheme of life email is not a huge thing but to me it is a big thing and the internet also. i find myself even reading the bible on the web, one can get almost all of the translations. i find it interesting to look at a variety of translations. well the mowers are done i hope for today and gracie is enjoying the patio and i think i am going to enjoy a late lunch....should call it an early supper i guess....: )
so any lj's people want to share...lj's for me today are my blogger buddies...going to borders...a good meeting with al...knowing he will go to jfs for me... emails from friends and family....a treat with the ice coffee drink.... having nice mainstream drivers....seeing gracie enjoy the outside...and her loving to be petted. i gave her a treat outside and i think she has it already buried to look for another day....these are just a few of the things thats i am thinking of lj's about....oh and another lj is for me to be able to read the bible online.............

computer......................

2008-05-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

my computer has been not working great the last couple of days but right now it is working fine. i just wanted to mention that to the readers so if i do not blog or comment or send emails that is the reason why.

i had a panic attack when i woke up from a loooong night of sleep. i have noticed and so has my mom that when the panic attacks are going on if i try to do something like eating a snack or drinking a pop or coffee or such it helps the panic attack slow down so that i am not so edgy. i am not thinking it is a sugar issue or body need but mom says she thinks it is my brain thinking of something else besides what is going on. now it will not always help but it works enough so that i try to remember to get a drink or a protein bar it helps. i need to drink more water than pop but still am almost all of the town drinking diet pop so that helps...and tea and coffee helps too since doctors consider those drinks be counted as water.

i meet with al my case manager today. we are going to meet at borders bookstore. it is just across the street but with the combination of it being a busy street and my walking slow with either a cane or walker it is too dangerous for me to try. it might be a good thing about not walking good enough to cross the street or otherwise i would spend lots of time and money on books and cd's and great coffee drinks. i always have joked that if i won the lottery i would want to take a truck and load up on lots of cd's and books and such. lol....if i could do that it would be a huge huge joy i think. it is sure a lj for me when i go over there even if it is just to buy coffee and watch people. it was a lj today for talking with my mom...having an email from a friend of church..got an invite for a party this weekend..not sure if i will go since it is a place that i never have gone to the house that is but perhaps i will get brave and try to get mainstream there.......i think i will ask how the steps are and things like that and then make the decision........so it is nice to be invited even if i cannot or choose not to go.............

i am so happy for andrew that his neighbor j is back. i know that they get along really well and have good times on his patio having something cold to drink such as pop or tea and just talking lots about lots of things. i hope that she continues to be in a good space. i hope that everyone who reads this has a peaceful day.

Tuesday Ramblings

2008-05-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

i do not know much today to write about. i slept lots last night and it was so good to wake up rested. my pain level has still been acute today but helped being off of it while sleeping and resting. mom and i went out to run some errands...well i was just along for the ride. it got cool today and rainy off and on so we stopped to get hot cocoa which tasted so good! we went to the little airline in the city and looked at planes most of the planes there are either like the two seat ones or the ones that hold 10 -20 people. we saw one land but that was it.
i have got to do something to take up some of my time. i keep talking about it but than do not do anything about it....i would like to have the energy level and pain level down so that i could do some things in my place that need to be done....i will probably go to bed early and watch t.v. and such to relax my legs. i did today use the walker today again because it does help lots to take the pressure off that left knee....makes me walk slower but i am more steady for which i am grateful for that. tomorrow i see al my case manager and meet in borders so looking foward to that.
i am not sure why but gracie was so good yesterday being on the patio soaking in the sun and was not barking much at all and today maybe it is the weather is not great but she has been having to go in and out due to her barking and true it is the time people are getting home from work so that has some to do with it........i think this is a really boring post but cannot think of much to say today........

Monday..................

2008-05-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if it is because of my age or what but this Memorial Day has me thinking more about war and how many of our young men and woman are dying daily in the war. I was little when Vietnam War was going on so perhaps that is why.
Last night I slept so so good such a relief! I am using the cane some and the walker more than my norm. It really helps this left knee lots. It makes me realize more that I need to get some help with this knee perhaps with p.t. or something. The knee needs replaced but due to weight issues and rehab and all of that I need to wait until I lose lots of weight.
Today it is warm and pretty even though we are expecting rain. I have the door open and Gracie is really for the most part being a good dog and not barking too much for which I am so thankful.
She loves being outside on the patio and I enjoy having her be so happy and enjoy having the door open but living in a building with 16 units I have to be aware so she does not bark too much and bother the neighbors speaking of neighbors................my neighbors upstairs seem to be really nice guys..noisey but nice. i do not feel too bad when gracie is barking a bit much because they have never complained and i think they know too that they are noisey at times too.
I wanted to answer something Soul wrote me about in a comment. I can always get rides to church with the program that I ride which is public transit for people with disabilities so that is not a problem most of the time. The problem yesterday was the pain and my walking and I had not slept. I have missed two weeks in a row so that was sad to me. I missed both times becaue of the physical pain. I think it is more acute since I fell once and tripped a few times this past week.
It is an lj to have such a warm sunny day outside even if we are expecting some rain...gracie being SO good on the patio today....having some sprite zero is good since i need to cut down on my drinking regular pop which actualy some doctors say that since diet pop has so many additives and salt that it is better in the long run to cut back on pop and when one does drink pop to have regular....i have some new shirts that my mom got me for summer and am wearing one of them today...it is pretty and she did a great job picking out ones that i would like....i am wearing a tank underneath it though today because my mom tends to keep her place cold due to her hot flashes.....grateful not to have hot flashes so far when i get one of those hormone flashes weird as it is mine are cold ones. my sister m and i tend to get werid things with our bodies and it tends to be the same type of things....o.k. i got off the subject of lj's........emails and comments from blogger buddies is another lj.....picnic food is going to be another lj. hope that everyone has a good day......................

Rough Night but Better Day

2008-05-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

well it is not really a surprize to me and that is that i had to start walking with my walker today. i have been having a massive amount of pain with my knee. it kept me up last night. i again missed going to church due to the being up all night...fear of walking the steps at church...today once i got up and the pain medication kicked in some and i switched from walking with the cane and to the walker the day got better. i also had a big joy waiting for me on the computer when i got a email from my good friend andrew.
mom helped me with the walker to figure out if it is best to walk down the step or in the grass so going down the step it is easier to have someone hold the walker with me stepping down and then getting back up it works better for me to use the walker on the grass. i had decided i thought to go to the quick side of the e.r. where they treat things such as sprains and colds and such. i think that i sprained my knee when i fell and then tripped.
mom and i had a good time together...we ate at steak and shake and then went to watch the boats that were on the river. i think next time that we go to the river we are going to take crumbs to feed the geese. we went by to the loca airport to watch the planes but no action was happening....i am back at home and doing some laundry and playing on the computer.
i am thinking that i will make it an early time for bed and rest my legs and watch t.v. i think gracie is settling down for a nap right now. she has enjoyed the outside but she gets so barky that i have to make her come in and usually have to bribe her with a treat when it is so nice out. i hope that she is calmer later on when i let her out. speaking of gracie she was so good when i was in such pain and could not get up and down lots to have her come inside and go outside so she was in lots last night and then this morning. she ususally will sleep as long as i am either laying down or sleeping but today she was not sleeping in. i think it had to do with her going to sleep so early last night. she is such a joy and treasure in my life even when she or i are having a rough day. i am curious to see how others weekends are so going to do some blog reading.................

Back from the library.................

2008-05-24T14:10:00.000-07:00

green color in praise of the gorgous day full of sun....warm temperature...birds singing and beautiful trees and shrubs and flowers. i sat outside for awhile at the library and enjoyed it...so some other lj's for the day.i had to bring gracie in because she was making all sorts of noise because of the birds....i do not mind but i think my neighbors would not be thrilled though the newer neighbors i have do not seem to have a problem with her like some others who one woman was just mean and grumpy to everyone.

i went to the library and enjoyed reading and people watching. i was waiting on mainstream to pick me up to go and the pain in my left knee hurt so so so bad i did not think that i could go but i did. i was glad that i went. one of my favorite drivers picked me up coming back home and we always find things to talk about. i did splurge and got a milky way freeze which is like a espresso milkshake and it is SO GOOD but so not needed. i have not eaten much today so need to eat something decent for dinner. i had way too much chocolate for me with the freeze and the cocoa at timjortons...i have eaten today 4 tim bits and then before i went to the library i ate a bagel with cream cheese....not sure whast i am going to eat tonight...the only thing that sounds good to me is popcorn...not that popcorn is bad to eat just i need to try to have that as a snack not a meal. i think i might have a frozen dinner.......maybe have a v8 too. i was thinking of a slimfast drink but again more chocolate that i do not need and they are not in the fridge yet and for me to really like them they need to be really cold.

i do not use my cell phone much but it is good to have for things such as long distance and things like that. i used it today to call my mom as i was waiting on maisntream because of having the feelings of a panic attack starring up and talking for a few minutes helped and having one of my favorite drivers pick me up. even with those things it feels good to be home and it still has been a good day. i hope that everyone has lj's today and that the rest of the weekend goes well.....share some lj's or tell me about your day........: )

10:00 a.m.

2008-05-24T06:56:00.000-07:00

gracie and i are awake early today. it is a pretty day full of sun and nice temperature too. mom is going to take me for an errand i have to do today and she is picking us up in about 15 minutes and then we will go to tim hortons for some tim bit and hot cocoa...that seems to be our saturday a.m. ritual if we are out running errands. i slept o.k. last night had a dream that even when i woke up i kept going back to the same dream...weird huh? well off to run some errands........

Gracie................

2008-05-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

tried to eat a BEE today! i got her to stop finally...the bee had seen its better days since it could not fly BUT it still had it's stinger and OUCH would it hurt gracie for her to be stung anywhere but especially in the mouth! I bribed her with a treat if she cam inside so she did. She has so far had a busy day. the apartment complex that faces my building had its parking lot fixed and black topped and such and they started way way early and gracie was SO upset and barking and barking and barking to the point i do not like to do and that is told her to shut up in a firm voice which she knows when i say that it means business. they got done with the parking lot late morning so after all of that she took a long nap and i decided to take a short one. she was miffed at me this afternoon because mom came by to take me shopping and i decided for her to stay at home so that mom and i could shop at the same time. i think after the exitement of the bee she is relaxing more now that we are inside.
i had a busy kind of chaotic today....dealing with the EARLY sound of trucks and the smell of tar and such and i had wanted to sleep in today. so got up to deal with gracie and i let her go outside a couple of times for a few minutes so that she can see what is going on from her peep hole in the patio where she can see out. i took a litte nap which if i had not had to get up to be ready for mom to pick me up. i went to the store and had i think a combination of a panic attack and not eating much in the day. my mom was SO supportive when to get a pop for me since i could hardly talk due to dry mouth...we shopped together for a aisle or two and then i decided to go ahead and check out and go to the car and wait. i bought another pop and a candy bar and that helped a bit. i only drank one pop during the waiting of mom in the car. so got home and of course even with a list i decided not to shop more so did not get all of my list but i can deal with not having yougurt or bread for a few days or might try to get them tomorrow at the drugstore since i have to go there anyway and they carry some of the items. so i am back home and gracie is inside and things are better.....
i got a compliment today which i am not sure what to think of it so input...opinions..my mom told me that she had talked to c one of her best friends and c had asked about me and mom told her that i was having a rough time but was able to get by without going into the hospital and c told mom to tell me she was proud of me. i guess i kind of get it that she was acknowledging my hard work which is has been BUT i do not think it is a failure on my part if i have to go inside the hospital and i am sure that c did not mean it that way at all just sometimes i think people do not know what to say when someone is struggling with mental illnesses. so with the day i have it is a good day to remember some lj's.............o.k. even thought it was LOUD this a.m. with the parking lot being blacktopped it stopped by around noon so that is an lj.....mom helping me out in the store...getting an email from a friend who i wondered if he was upset with me and he was not upset with me....a candy bar which is a rare treat that i allow myself....i have been trying to drink more water....and slow yet sure am drinking more....one of my favorite teeshirt is clean so got to wear my hot pink shirt....not buying ice cream today at the store which was a big thing for me not to do but am really trying to not keep it at home. speaking of ice cream i saw in the stores today that ben and jerrys ice cream is making individual servings. the are new so were on sale and were 3 of them for 5 dollars so that is a good price for them.....mom buying wet food for gracie today....so those are some lj's for today so far...perhaps there will be more when i get back from group....oh one more is the river radio station which i really enjoy listening to....so any people want to share their lj's?
OH i keep forgeting thanks for the ideas for breakfast. i talked with nan yesterday and she said that a protein bar is fine for breakfast as long as i eat something else within two hours of that so that is doable.............hope everyone enjoys the long weekend which for people like me since i am not working right now it is just a regular day except that i do not see nan and since she is so booked which is understandable with being off on monday i just can see her on thursday and not work in another day. i do not mind because i feel really blessed that i can see her most weeks two times.
so about food....i have not binged in awhile though overate some....i tend to be the last couple of days eating less food than i should but i think it will equal out sometime soon i hope...

thursday" thoughts

2008-05-22T13:26:00.000-07:00

it is a beautiful day here sunny and about 65 degrees! i enjoyed sitting outside the therapist office looking at the beautiful nature and the geese who have have taken residence one has been named vinny since he likes to follow people and honk if the person does not feed him or his girlfriend. it is funny to watch them. i slipped but did not fall for which i am so grateful! i think that i am going to try to go to bed and watch t.v. to get off my legs. i really was happy that david cook won american idol. it is so interesting that in the begining he went with his brother who planned to try out and david ended up trying out and look what happened. i wonder since david won if his brother and him will work on some music projects together. it is going to be a relaxing evening i think......remember to look for lj's in your day.

Painting is done.................

2008-05-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

at least on my patio it is. The condo association are having the spots of brick that need painted done. I asked the painter when I saw him when he was coming over so he said yesterday it would be early so Sunday evening mom and I cleaned up the patio some and i got up early for me....was dressed and all by 9:00 a.m. and it ended up they came while I was gone yesterday so that made it better with Gracie not being here barking lots but frustrating since i got up early to just wait....i saw the guy yesterday and he was nice and said that he would be around tomorrow to do some more painting and i asked what time and he said 9:00 a.m. so again today I got up early and he came around 11:00 a.m. so very glad that the painting is done but wow am i tired...a nap sounds so good right now but if i go to sleep it would be with hearing the painter guys next door moving ladders and scraping and such...mom is picking me up in the afternoon to get out some. It sure does help some when my m.i.'s are kicking in like they have been lately.
I tried something new today that I thought would be really good. I was WRONG! i made some macaroni and added some humas and it did not go togther but i did eat it and will probably try and mixing again. So any ideas for a person who does not like breakfast type food yet I know that to lose weight i need to have breakfast. I am really open to ideas just rembember that it has to be something that can be fixded on a microwave or in a tyson grill..................

Tired from....................

2008-05-20T15:18:00.001-07:00

a busy and somewhat productive day. I did not sleep great last night so am planning on going to go to sleep early tonight. I have to get up early again tomorow. I had fun when Mom and I took some sandwiches down to the river and just sat in the car and watched the ducks and geese. Gracie was with us so I did not want to risk her falling into the riverso we stayed in the car. I am looking foward to resting my legs and watching t.v. to relad and then going to sleep early. I was really proud of myself for getting things done with all that is going on physically and emotionally. I hope that everyone is having a good evening.

Sunny Sunday.......................

2008-05-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

it is in the 60's right now and is sunny and i am enjoying having the door open and gracie is enjoying laying in the sun on the patio. it was good last evening for mom and i to get together and we did go to bob evans..yummy salad and baked potato..and cottage cheese. i am not sure how far back it goes but i really like to have cottage cheese with a baked potato. i am still struggling today but even the bit if spring we are having today is helping me feel better. i will be good to get out with mom for our usual sunday lunch out...back to last evening she paid for my dinner which i did not expect especially since she pays when we go out on sundays but it wa an lj and a blessing. we went to a couple of stores so that she could get aleve which she prefers than advil or motrin and i went to get some luna bars which not only do they taste great to me they fill me up for a snack..and are loaded with good things not lots of chemicals.
earlier today it was a rough day..i did not make it to church which means i missed my turn at the children's sign in table. i worry about people being really mad at me and if so i am sure it is legit anger. i was having problems with the panic and such and with walking so even one of those things would make me want to not go let alone two things.
i am thinking of seeing if mom would like to stop at the library to read some magazines...it is so great that some of the libraries here have magazines one can look at....i was just thinking how much andrew would enjoy being able to read a huge variety of magazines. i know there is no way that i could afford to take the huge variety of magazines that i like to look at. i think if she is not into going to the library perhaps i can hang out at her home for the afternoon thinking it would help me to be around someone to talk to and just be with. i hope that eveyone has a really great day................

Saturday

2008-05-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

i am so glad that mom is back from the wedding she went to and that she and i can get together. it has turned into a rough day with panic attacks and such...i even tried to calm myself down by calling nan and leaving a message and called mom and both of them i called to hear the calm voices on the voicemail...sounds really really silly even as i write this but it did help. i had decided that if mom had not called by now i would think of calling my friends j and k and see if either one could take me to the e.r to get a shot to help with the panic but knew though that being in the e.r. is not a calm place. i am hoping mom is in the mood to go someplace like bob evans for some good ole home style cooking. i must need some protein becaue i am really hungry for some meat or cheese or eggs which since i do not eat much protein and should but often times when i am craving it i can look back and know oops did not eat much protein this time or if i go to the doctor and have low iron and such...today is one of those days when it would be great to be able to get a large table at a place like bob evans and gather the blogger buddies around and sit around and most talk for hours. i think even though i have never met in person i am closer to the blogger buddies than with some of the aquaintances i have and see. a question for the readers....do you find like i that often times blogger buddies are better than some people that one sees in the day to day life? i know that having blogger buddies are always an lj and one can even say some time not just a little joy but a big joy. well mom is going to be here in a few mintues to going to finish getting ready and such.........

Saturday.................

2008-05-17T09:51:00.000-07:00

is here and it is around noon and i am at home. i was to go to a day long training today for working with children. i was really happy about going but than yesterday found out that the steps were "wicked" so was too scared to chance falling down or up them and talked with mom and nan and they agreed with me it was not worth the risk. i am again bummed but need to take care of myself.
yesterday evening i went to the small group and it was really good time of worship and praying. it was SO cute xiu dan has this plastic birthday cake that is in pieces and has numbers on it and she wanted to sing happy birthday to me but her mom said since the meeting was going on she hasd to do it another time so where i was sitting she stood behind me in the hall and very quietly sang happy birthday to me....no it is not my birthday mine is in july. she is adorable and is getting to know me more and wants to sit wth me some times

so that being sung to was for sure an lj for me..!! mom is going to take me to the library this afternoon so that will be fun. i have starte reading a new fiction book forgeting the name right now but it is a book that nan lent to me and i found the other book that she lent me that neither one of us remembered if i had returned it to her or not. i have not even read that book all of the way and was not real into it so most likely will return it without reading it all. having books to read for me are for me are lj's that is for sure. i enjoy hearing the birds chirping and consider that another lj...well most likely will have more lj's as the day goes on that i will share later on

one more thing.............

2008-05-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

i rethought one of the posts that i wrote so decided to erase it...i did not have any negative comments or any comments at all on it so i just felt like it was too intense right now and it is more of a one on one converstion or email. some lj's for today so far...........seeing geese at the center...talking to a kind person when i was a bit paniced that mainstream had messed up my ride.....gracie being so cute and adorable. i really like it when i am on the computer and she wants to be petted she jumps up and puts her front paws on my knees...comments on posts...going over to mom's for dinner...weather warm enough for a sweatshirt...these are a few of my lj's for today.................

pop and medications

2008-05-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

today i was rethinking about my emailing the coca cola factory and also giant eagle and i think now that i should have just let it be so am thinking if it countinues to happen i will just let it happen and not contact anyone about it...thanks for the input that i got...and i really am thanking you not being fiipant.
i went to the psych doctor today...we lowered one of the medications...the one that makes me so sleey...we upped back to the regular dose of two of the medications...dr. w wants me to see him next week. i feel very cared about at the center. nan reminded me too that it was fine to call her and leave messages and let her know if i need for her to call me. i sometimes want her to call me but often i want to let her know what is going on and do not need a return call. it does help me even just leaving the messages knowing that she knows what is going on....when i am having the panic attacks....when other symptoms are going on and such. i really feel blessed to have such wonderful people in my life that are what i call professionals helpser since they really do help so much and do care so much.
nan alwasys good to remind me of simple things that i forget...like to eat and take with me a protein bar or two if i am going to be gone from home for awhile and since i really do better and want to keep trying to eat six times a day with mini meals or 3 meals with protein snacks. she also reminds me that it is good for me to have plans to do something even if it is little to get outside ....or talk on the phone to some friends so that stay connected with people. she reminds me it is alright to call and tell her what is going on and if i need for her to call me. my dcotor even said today if i do not have a cancel next thursday i will work in a few minutes of time to talk wtih you.

i am having a busy weekend so hope that i can do the things that i have plans to do....all day training at church on saturday...small group tomorrow night....going out to eat with mom on sunday and going to go to church.......nan lent me a book so i will have that to dive into this weekend.....tonight i am going over to mom's for dinner...she cooked for the senior lunch at her church yesterday and she had leftovers so we are having sandwiches and homemade macaroni salad and oh dove bars for dessert..........yummy
gracie is reallty enjoying the outside today...it is sunny yet kind of a cool temp today probably around 55 or so.
well that is the scoop from me right now

Coca Cola cherry zone

2008-05-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

3 times now i have when i opened the case of twelve pops had a christian tract in the box. i was wondering if anyone who drinks coke products has had that happen. i emailed the company and told them i was not offended but alot of people would be. i am assuming that it happens at the factory but maybe someone is slippping them in at the store....so has anything like that happened to you? just kind of weird to me...again since i do believe in God and love Jesus the jist of the tract did not bother me but just knew some people would be upset about it..i think i am going to call the store where i got them from too and see if anyone else has gotten them or if it is not at the factory perhaps someone is slipping them in at the store........so what do people think and what would you do if you were me? i decided to call the store just to let them know about it and i was really nice and so were they..i told them that i was not upset but some people might be....

prayer requeset

2008-05-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

i want to ask for prayers for some friends of mine from church. the family had a death in the family of c's dad. c is from nigeria. he is going to be heading to nigeria and so m and their sweetie of a toddler c is here. it is expensive such a trip like this plus add to that his job...not knowing how long c will have to stay in nigeria....please pray for c's here and extended family in nigeria. it will be a long few weeks for all of them. due to c being from nigeria and being the oldest son he is expected to do some thinng that i am not sure what all they are and m my friend is as his wife not sure what all is expected of her. please pray that c's trip will be hassle free and such...........please pray and i appreciate it and i know that they will also

I did sleep..................

2008-05-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

sleep last night and wow too much it was about 14 hours! i am thinking that perhaps besides sleeping lots since i had some nights that i did not sleep much but am also wondering with the doctor upping one of the medications that i am on that is probably also part of it. i am not wanting to keep taking it if it continues to make me sleep alot of hours. i am having today along with the other symptoms forgeting some things such as i had to call my mom for her to remind me what day it was today....i knew that it had to be a tuesday or friday since i had an appointment with nan yesterday...she was really kind and reassuring that at one time or another everybody forgets something. i really was so happy to turn on the computer and read the blogs and reading the comments that people had left. i got to thinking it would be so great if we all lived closer together and could meet up for coffee or such.
i decided for me today an lj is to type this in green to remind me of spring is here and summer is going to be here soon...i found some rice and veggies that i had frozen so had that for breakfast and it was really yummy....having some really great chocolate that was one of the premium brands but with it being at dollar tree it was only a dollar so that was an lj but it was not an lj when i ate it the whole candy bar yesterday...it was a lj even though lots of sleep it still was great to not have my mind going on and on and on i do still wake up around 3:15 a.m. but lately i have been going back to sleep...another lj is having one of my favorite shirts clean...it is purple which is my favorite color and is like a sweatshirt but it is light weight so really good for this time of year....gracie is being so good today.
.that girl can sleep as much as i do at times! she barked two times early this a.m. but then went right back to sleep even before i was going to get up and let her go outside and then she slept until i got up and then has been out a bit enjoying this weather...she had to come back in becaue she was barking too much and now she is back asleep. i think she feels fine it just is she is gettig older.
another lj is that mom made some soup and is bring some today for me, it is tortilla soup and she has never cooked it before so it should be interesting....for the most part i really like her cooking. she also said when i eat it to be really honest if it was good or not...we are going again to run errands which i am i do not know like a dog but since i was a wee one i always enjoyed riding in the car and taking trips and such so i can enjoy even if i do not have things that i need to get gracie and i both really enjoy riding....maybe too it is becaue since i cannot drive anymore i like ot more................so some lj's for today...............if any one has some of them to share i would like reading about them.........hope you all have a peaceful and a good day.

Monday

2008-05-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

wow what a day so far...i am SO troubled by all of the natural disasters affecting so so many countries in asia. i try to pray yet at times words escape and i end up praying for jesus please jesus come to these situations...comfor the people who are hurting and who lost family and friends...and orphans and such...i feel at a loss to do anything yet p
yesterday and today continue to be difficult days with the mental illnesses...i did have my session with nan today...it was so good to be validated when i shared with her all that is going on that things in my brain are chaotic right now. i am really pushing myself to not go inpatient in the hospital...right now nan and i are thinking it is about 65% that i will end up inpatient. if it was not for gracie i think that i would check myself in but it gets so expensive for my mom to pay for her being boarded and i do not have the money right now and i know times are tough for mom right now too. i also this will perhaps sound strange but with all that is going on in this world it feels rude or disrespectful for me to have all these things going on in my brain even though i cannot stop them and all that is going on in the world..hope that makes sense but not sure it will because i am not sure how to describe what my thoughts are right now.............

i forgot to schedule rides for today so mom was so kind and took me to my appointment and stayed and then we went to wendy's for lunch and then we went to the dollar tree where i bought some socks 3 pairs for $1.00 so I got 9 pairs of socks....i got my mom some of those reusable plastic bowls and such because i gather quite of them when mom cooks me some things and then i forget to give them back to her...i got some treats for gracie.....and then also a bar of chocolate...one thing that happened is that some lady almost ran into use and kept on going and i really do not think that she even took notice that we were there ...it was in the parking lot and she missed our car seriously like maybe less than a foot........thank God we were that the accident did not happen and that nobody was hurt....i think that i would be hurt because she was driving fast too....way too fast for a parking lot.

i think that i might watch some t.v. or perhaps take a nap that is what gracie is doing right now taking a nap...she got to go with us to ride which she loves to ride...and loves ice and cheeseburgers from wendy's and just lays down and is so so so good to ride. i hope that everyone is having a good day.........think of some lj's..............

Happy Mother's Day.......

2008-05-11T05:11:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms out there who read my blog. I am doing better I think today. It I think will be good to get out and go to church and then take my mom out for lunch. It is pouring down rain today....I hope that stops or slows down when I have to get on and off of the bus. I remembered to take all of my medications so that will most likely help today. I keep forgetting the coginton which one is to take to not have the side effects of another medication...and the side effects are not fun...I think often it is the weierd feeling of the side effects that trigger a panic attack. It is interesting and frustrating some of the side effects of the medications that are to help one have such crappy side effects.
I think this week is going to be another busy week....with appointments and such. Well my ride should be here soon so better get this finished before they come to get me.

Sunny Saturday..................

2008-05-10T15:06:00.000-07:00

I am back from going to the library. I am glad that I got out a bit but getting out did not help my panic attacks or the hallucinations. It is a day when I am frustrated with the mental illnesses. I am o.k. but not great. I am so relieved that at least I know that the hallucinations are not real. I am thinking of Andrew today with him sharing how he is having a rough day too. I have eaten too much sugar today so I know that I need to start tracking what i eat and when but even that seems like too much today.....but it would be good to know how I eat on the days when some of the mental health symptoms that I deal with are worse.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day which is kind of bittersweet for me..I am happy to take mom out to lunch and if I could would do more....but it is hard for me since I am a Mother but have not seen my daughter since she was 3 days old. I am not regreting the choice that I made to have an adoption plan...I just would like to know now that she is 21 how she is and such. I hope that everyone has a good weekend....think this it for right now and maybe for tonight.

Computer.................

2008-05-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

is working better but i think i am done for today and going to take my night time medications and head to bed to watch t.v. and cuddle with gracie........she has been a cuddle bug today and also annoyed that the dog outside is not on a leash and running around which she never goes without a leash beyong the patio and it is against the rules here at the condos and we are on a VERY BUSY street so it is just not wise to have a dog running without a leash. I am grateful that the computer is working good..................: )

My computer..................

2008-05-09T12:35:00.000-07:00

is giving me problems with leaving comments so most likely I will continue to read the ones like I do but will try again later on to see if I can leave comments...and the computer is being really slow today....and it is one of those days where I want to spend extended time on the computer because at times it helps me calm down when I am having panic attacks.

my thursday

2008-05-09T07:49:00.000-07:00

i was in SO MUCH PAIN when i got home last night but had a really good day. i had my session with nan and that went well. i met my friend michelle at the mall and we always have a good time talking and laughting and such. i had one of those frozen coffee drinks which are SO good i think and then later on we at at ruby tuesdays and bless her michelle paid for mine. i had the salad bar and a baked potatoe and instead of having it loaded i just got it with cheese on it and it was yummy. i wanted to pick up some cookies to take home with me but did not so am happy with myself for that choice. i think next time that michelle and i get together at the mall we are going to just get dessert and coffee or tea. i was in LOTS of pain by the end of the outing. i think that next time i am going to ask if we can just stay in the food court or just go to one of the places tom eat such as ruby tuesdays or tgi fridays. she is really understanding about my legs and has some limitations herself since she uses a wheelchair. i did go to the boutique for pets yes it has lots of expensice items....clothing and fancy treats and leashes and such i did get gracie some peanut butter cookies for dogs there...
i just got back from going over to mom's for lunch and my nephew j and his wife c and 2 year old almost 3 daughter came for lunch. we had a good time talking and it was a nice visit. it was the first time that c had been to the apartment where mom lives so she enjoyed it. it is a really nice apartment and mom has made lots of friends so i am so happy for her. she lives on the 15th floor and so she can see downtown and osu and lots of great things. i am glad that she faces south because facing north all one can see is that freeway. mom is aging but still a great cook! i wish that i could cook as well as she does! my mom always makes enough for people to take home....so she made a huge and i mean huge as j said enough meatloaf for fifteen people and there was just us four and then k who is one of those kids who do not eat much so i brought some home and so did j and c..............they did not get to stay long because of having to drive an hour each way and had to get back in time for when the older kids got out of school................................so some lj's for today......spending time with family....k really liking the toys that i could for her...just a few items for dollar tree.....not being in so much pain today...having someone walk me to and from the bus...coca cola cherry zone to drink.....gracie who is such a wonderful companion for me.....watch k eat jello and when she got it on the spoon and to her mouth without dropping it she would want her mom to high five her....oh and the rain stopped for now. i like the rain except that my pain increases when it is damp and wet and such......................hope that each of you have a good weekend.............

PLEASE PRAY..................

2008-05-09T07:46:00.000-07:00

FOR BURMA! One can kind of get a picture of what all is going on with my friend John's postings. I am NOT asking anyone to send money though if God leads you to do so....here is a way you will know that the money will get to the people that need it and that it will not be stolen by the government.......http:/earstothetrack.wordpress.com

Wednesday Afternoon................

2008-05-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

well it is another warm and pretty day outside. i am meeting al my case manager at borders today so that is good. i am SO frustrated with myself because i think i lost some money yesterday when i was shopping...i went to the bank and cashed two checkes...we went to taco bell and i went to dollar tree and giant eagle and do not remember buying much either place (one of the more frustrating symptoms that go along with my mental illnesses) but i should have more money than i do i thnk and the money has to get me through this month.
i slept for the most part really good. i woke up a few times but went right back to sleep.....kind of a boring post but wanted to ask if people would pray that if i did lose the money i would know where it is...................

I got BRAVE..............

2008-05-06T16:03:00.000-07:00

I did it! I got brave and called a place to learn more about a inpatient program for eating disorders. I have been thinking more about that option because of the operation and insurace probably would be at the earliest december. this program is in tulsa oklahoma si it would be a long long bus ride since i cannot fly. it has a christian program that one can be a part of it if one chooses too which i really like all that i was told about it all. it is a 21 day program so that is good also to know what the length is and such.....so i am sure a mix of feelings right now.....i will most likely be on and off wanting to blog about this but for now i think that it is something i want to pursue.
mom and gracie and i ran errands today...gracie was so so so good today she loves to ride mom picked me up at 2:30 today and we got home aound 5:15 and gracie was good the whole time. she LOVES when i give her ice so she was sure happy about having ice and ice cold water. it is such a joy to have gracie....i love her lots and know she loves me. i know it would be a hard 3 weeks for her but trust that God will show me who for her to stay with...nan knows some people who she sees who do foster care for pets...and i keep telling myself that i will be a better pet owner when i feel better physical and emotional.
i think that i am going to go watch some t.v. i think...........................food was fair today but not great...the interesting thing is we stopped at taco bell and i got what i usually get but was to0 full to eat all that i did so mom ate some of it.............so that is a good sign. anyone watching american idol? it is getting down to just a few....it will be interesting to see what happens............. so i have not asked a question in awhile...what is your favorite thing about summer?

Tired Tuesday

2008-05-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

i did sleep last night better than i have been so that is a good thing. i am tired still though and i think it is because of feeling more of the bipolar symptoms. one thing that i am proud of myself is that i have kept on doing things such as did help out at church and had a god time with mom on sunday...went to a shower on sunday for stacy and that was fun...just a few of us but we had lots of good conversations.yesterday i had my appointment with nan and it was good and then went to a small group last evening.
i am thinking of and starting to look into impatient for my eating disorders. it is something that i think that would be really helpful. i am losing weight but could do it more healthy. the main issue is most places who are treatment centers take people who deal with anorexia or bulemia and not super obese binge eaters. i also know that for someone who struggles with eating disorders for example struggles with anorexia to be around someone my weight triggers them and at times it triggers me when i am around someone who is anorexia or such.
the biggest issue that keeps me not wanting to pursue such a program is gracie. i know though there are places and people who will do foster care for animals and also gracie will have a better life when i am able to do more physical tasks.
one large joy i have to share is that i ordered a small pizza yesterday and it had six small pieces and i was able to eat three yesterday and then three today and am so happy that i did not binge.
some lj's for today...........warm sunny day....knowing that i am getting out with gracie to go with mom to run some errands......blogger buddies....another big joy is to have slept some last night..........i read the Bible today which is something i want and feel the need to do each day....got an email from my sister.....
kind of a funny story i think...i had called my friend eleanor to leave a message and gracie who has been so quiet all day started barking so i said on the message i am sorry for the noise in the barkground instead of saying background which i corrected what i said but just funny to me because gracie was so barky at that time.
eating has been alright in general...i need to eat something in the early evening and not go without eating from like 3:00 p.m. till like 12:00 noon the next day.i want to start trying some of the suggestions people commented on the blog and it works for him or her.
gracie is outside and it is beautiful day to have the door open with the spring air coming in and such.............i hope that eveyone has a good tuesday...full of some lj's

I am back home.................

2008-05-03T14:13:00.000-07:00

and the rain has stopped and it is kind of a muggy warm day now it is in the 70's the forecaster said when i callled time and temperature. It was a good time at the library overall though I ran into my suprvisor that I worked under when I worked there....and I did fine at chit chatting but was happy when it was over. I started reading a good book and wrote down the title so that when I can check out books I can check this one out...
I need to get my sugar intake under control when I go out where there are sweets available...I had a grande milky way latte - yes it is as good as it sounds. I had them make it with skim milk which was a good choice but then had whip cream on it. I bought two cookies on the way outside to wait for mainstream and they were so so good and so big and again quite yummy. I need to figure out how to let myself have a treat not a few but a treat when I go to the library...if I tell myself I cannot have anything that sets up for a binge later on in the day....so I think for now I am going to let myself have the milky way freeze kind of like a coffee and chocolate and whip cream and such and that is it...except if i get a diet coke....then go make another change and get the kids size when i order it so that it is a treat but not a huge one. I know that I should have eaten more than a protein bar before I left but could not find anything that i wanted to eat. So..................now I am not hungry at all and I think I will aim for eating something good for me and good tasting around 7:00 ish so it will not be too late.
I am thinking a black bean burrito and some carrots and red peppers to munch on also or I might have this frozen mix I have which is pasta and peppers and eggplant and it is so good AND i just remembered I have fresh salsa from Trader Joes that I can add to that..............again YUMMY....
I think that I mentioned this before but again I wanted to say thanks for all the good ideas about what to eat and ideas to help keep track and such. I started last week trying to write it down and it did not go too good so I think that I am going to start tracking another way and that is to write it in a email and keep it as a draft to add onto during the week and then once a week send it to Nan my therapist so we can go over it.....I am going to try to get Gracie to play here in a few minutes.....

Saturday

2008-05-03T09:35:00.000-07:00

it is raining off and on so far today. i used to love when i could walk better to go walking in the spring and summer rains. i am going to go to the library this afternoon...i can combine my love of reading and my enjoying people watching with a vanilla latte and it will be a afternoon full of lj's. i think soon i will have paid off my overdue fines so that i can start checking out books again. i am determined this time to limit myself to just one or two at a time so that i do not turn the books in late. i read fast and with going to the library once a week it should not be a problem.
sleep was really chaotic last night and add to that more symptoms of when i start spiraling down are starting up again. i am determined to deal with it at home and stay out of the hospital! it is not to the point where i need to go into the hospital.
i am looking foward to the library today...........

I SLEPT.....................

2008-05-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

i feel soooooooooooooo much better since i slept. thanks for all of the great suggestions for snacks. i am going to go grocery shopping this afternoon so am going to stock up on some things. i know for me i do better if i have a variety of snack or mini meals to choose from. i talked with my sister today and she is still having major problems with her eyes. it is really difficult for her to read and right now her typically "good" eye she cannto see well enough to drive...i know it is quite frustrating and sad for her...she tries to take some walks but trips often and such. it is weird too what things look like if she looks at print after a few minutes it will turn into like a kalidscope of many colors and then looks like it is burning and shriviles to ashes she said even though she never has used drugs that it seems like a pyschodellic bad trip on lsd would be like......more later most likely.....thanks again for the food ideas. i think that i am going to try to post food and how it has been.....in the evening.

Food

2008-05-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

food has been hard this week....not with eating to much or binging but not eating like i should. i really need to get back into eating a small amount a few times a day. it will help that tomorrow mom and i are going to trader joes so i can stock up on the lara bars and such that i really like and that help me eat a bit every few hours. i did enjoy eating out last evening and i got a salad and it was good..i also decided to have cherry coke which it is the first real coke i have had in over a week i think...i sure do love those cherry cokes even the diet ones.....i did just have one glass of the regular and then the rest of the evening i had diet. yesterday i was not feeling good and my stomach was not feeling too good most of the day from not eating much the past few days....today i had a nutragrain bar before i left to go to my appointments but forgot to take one with me...so had to wait till i got home....i ate a few tortilla chips with salsa waiting for the spaghetti to warm up and ate about half of that and now it is 7:00 and i am trying to think since it has been about 3 hours i should eat something but the only things that sound good are ice cream or candy...maybe a bowl of cereal or maybe i will not eat since it is early evening. i am curious what type of healthy snacks or non healthy snacks do people eat in the evening? things with eating will get better when i get the protein bars and i am going to get some drinks like slimfast but not that brand i forget what it is called...the brand is better to make sure ones sugar does not spike and also has more natural things in it than the slimfast brand...i do like the slimfast brand and if that is all there is as far as choices i will get that...they are good as long as they are really really cold. i just really do want to keep losing and not mess things up by not eating which leads more often over time to binging.
i also want to keep writing about food and eating since those issues are why i started this blog.

tired in many ways......................

2008-05-01T15:12:00.001-07:00

i just got up from trying to take a nap...i did not sleep but spent a good amount of time trying to figure out some things. today has been an o.k. day....i went to worthington to see nan for my session....i saw the doctor and he raised one of my medications and asked me to check in with him next week when i see nan. dr. weiss is a great doctor. i feel very comfortable with talking with him and sharing with him what i think and such. he is hoping that raising the medication will help me get some sleep and help my other bipolar symptoms ease up.

it is interesting to me how bipolar affects people in all different type of symptoms but no matter what the symptoms are this time of year in the spring really brings on more symptoms for many people as does fall.he and nan both this week have seen a good number of people who have bipolar having rough times. i am not happy that other people are struggling yet it is comforting to know that i am not the only one.....in fact yesterday one of the therapist who works with nan wanted to get one of her clients into the hospital and out of 5 hopsitals in our city no hosptital had any rooms! i am assuming the client had to go outside of the city to another city about a half hour away.

i did have a really enjoyable time with eleanor last evening. she is so easy to talk to and it seems to me she and i always find things to talk about. she is such a good friend....and i think she is one of those people i will always stay in touch with even if one of us moves or such. i am not thinking of moving but she is thinking of moving back to the state of washington in a few years.

i am enjoyed sitting out on my patio soaking in the sun. i need to find a good book to start reading while i am out there or maybe i will take one of my puzzle books. i am trying to decide if a want to get any pots of flowers this year. the ground in my patio is not good at all for gardening....the one area i have a rose bush that it looks like if it blooms any this year it will be its last. i am going to ahve to wait and see. i am concerned too if i get pots of flowers then gracie will try to eat them......

speaking of gracie..while i was resting i heard her getting into a plastic bag and then i heard her tearing with her teeth a plastic wrapper and she had gotten into the plasitic bag and took out the chew bone that was in the wrapper and got the bone out and she looked so proud of herself when she walked by me kind of like fast walking so i would not take the bone from her and after all of that work she deserved it i think.

some lj's for today...the sun and slight wind....my appointments going well....gracie....getting rides to meet michelle next thursday...things like that...oh also knowing that my friend andrew had a enjoyable time reading outside........

Today has been a good day.....................

2008-04-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

even if it started not so good. i had an meeting with al my case manager which i thought was at 2:00 today but it was to be at 11:00 a.m. ! so i messed that up yet al my case manager was very kind about it...i had arranged rides to go to borders where we meet so kept them and went over and enjoyed a nice coffeed drink and reading some and people watching some....mom and i went out for a early dinner at bob evans and it was good. i went to dollar tree to get some things...great place to get shower gifts thins such as baby's hardback books for a dollar each....and got some other items. i had a panic attack in the store so asked mom when i got back in if she would go into walgreens because between the panic attack and my physical pain i did not think that i could do it so she was kind enough to get the few things that i needed. i am back home and perishables put away other items i will get to another time.
gracie was exited and upset with me when i got back..she was glad to see me back and with treats for her but she saw that mom had dropped me off and she gets a bit miffed with us if we do not let her ride around with us...we thought about picking her up after we ate but i just was not sure if i could deal with her with my pain level and it is even harder on mom when gracie pulls at the leash to get her to and from the car.
i am trying to think of lj's for today....things such as enjoying a coffee drink at borders bookstore...al being so nice about me messing up the time and such....having a new word search book....mom going into walgreens for me....getting a shower gift that fits my minimal cash that i have....looking foward to getting together with eleanor tomorrow....
hopes for tonight and tomorrow..............that i sleep some tonight...that i get some laundry done tonight and tomorrow or both the way that i have so much to wash and with the stack washers and dryers there is only so much one can fit into one.....hope that everyone who reads this has a blessed evening and day tomorrow.........

Monday Evening

2008-04-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

It is 7:30 p.m. and after I type this I am headed to bed. My sleep continued last night being full of nightmares and such and between that and waking up off and on I think I woke up more tired then when I went to bed. My appointment with Nan went well....and I do seem to even when I am tired I do work hard in my sessions. I got my check from IRS today..YEAH....I can pay off my library fines...I am going to stock up on a few things I think...and want to spend a very small amount on buying some things that I want such as some new puzzle books...a plastic bottle that I can use over and over to tote water around...hoping that the more that I have it around me the more I will drink water. My mom blessed me again by buying 3 shirts and 1 tank top to wear under ths shirts...so I am set for the summer I think. She has done really great picking out things for me lately...she does it by catalog and then has them sent to me. "House" is a new show tonight which I am so eager to see...I have watched the reruns a few times so eager for a new one. I might watch "bones" tonight sometimes I like it and sometimes I don't. Guess that is it for me today................try to think of some lj's................

2008-04-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

i am so tired today due to not much sleeping and when i did it was nightmares and such....so then i got up and got up and got ready for the day to go to church and could not find my little pocket purse that goes in my book bag...it has in it everything important such as keys and money and id cards and insurance cards and cell phone...so called my mom to see if she could pick me up from church because i would not have keys to get back in my place and then went out to the patio and there it was laying on the ground...thank you God...so tried to call my mom back to tell her that i found my keys so would just get my regular ride back but she had left to go to church....so got to church and the people who were bringing the kids things were late so things with the kids got started later....o.k. then add to that stomach issues so i could not stay to hear the message due to my physical issues....so when mom and i went to a place to eat i could not stay due to my stomach issues and when stomach issues are with me chinese food and i do not get along so we drove thru a place and got a burger and shake and then went to moms to pick up what she had made for me....add to this all my pain level is really extreme today and with all that happened with looking for my mini purse did i think to take my medications...NO..so got back home and some of them it was too late in the day to take because it would keep me awake tonight but i did take the ones that i could and the pain medication so hoping it will kick in...so with all of that when i got home took the medications that i could and i had a good cry...and now am feeling better....even though i am so tired and in pain.
i was thinking today that it would be so nice if i lived close to some of my blogger buddies.....i was also thinking it would be nice if i could get a play pal for gracie but due to money and her issues that is not wise....so i think it is a night to curl up in bed hoping gracie will want to be petted and watch some t.v. it is one of those days that i miss being in a relationship....so not much exiting here but wanted to post................

Back home after the library.............

2008-04-26T15:34:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed the time that I spent at the library. I decided to read some magazines and enjoyed them Time for me goes so fast when I read. I am so waiting for some money I will get in May to pay off my fines and be able again to check out books. I am determined to just cheak out a limit of 3 books so that I do not lose them or forget where I put them...and have a spot where I leave them when I am not reading them.
One thing that I need to get control of is to not order a milky way freeze when I am down there...it is like a cold coffee espresso mixed wtih like chocolte milk and buzzed up with ice and then whip cream. There is a place in the library that sells coffee and coffee drinks and cookies and such all wonderful things....but since I have been cutting out some sugar and such I want to make it a goal to for right now order them only like twice a month and then since I always want to treat myself when I see Java Master I will treat myself to a skim latte with no sugar flavorings. I also did not have any of the protein bars in my bag so being a bit hungry did not help.
I was bummed a bit because nobody was out on the benches to talk to...I like to people watch yet I also like to hear about whatever one might share with me. I think another incentive for me to not get the high calorie drink is that I always like to when I go to the main library have some small amount of cash so if someone needs or wants a drink or such I can get it for them. I would also when I go to the Dollar Tree get some of the water bottles that one used over and over to give to some of the homeless to have to be able to get water even from the fountain or be able to get it from Java Master who right now charges a quarter for the cup of water which is the cost of the cup they say ...but I think it is that the management of Java Master does not want to serve them. I was just thinking just now how if Andrew and I lived closer we could have some great conversations with some of the guys and woman who hang out there or the people who we know in general.
I wanted to share something that I was happy about but forgot to mention.....My doctor is very very strict when it comes to her writing the rx for my pain medication. She knows that I used in the past...sometimes in the past I thought she was too strict yet when I went for my annual check up for bloodwork and such I asked her that even if I did not need the new rx till in a week could I have it that day so I do not have to come back to her office since the rx is for a narcotic she cannot call it in and even told her you could postdate if if she would prefer to do that..and she said it is fine for her to give it to me and she trusted me so she did not postdate it. I also have figured out something that seems to work better for me and that I can take it twice a day and I have started taking the pain medication early evening and it starts to kick in about the time that I go to sleep so makes me sleep better and then take it when i am getting ready for the day..it lasts agout eight hours it says but for me it lasts about 6 hours whch the doctor knows. I am jsut happy for her to trust me. I know I will say that I do think some about abusing the medications BUT really do not want to screw things up with my other medications or get so she will not give me the pain medication...it has been about 15 years now and I do not want to lose all of these years of hard work and such just for a very temporary buzz. Well trying to decide what I want for dinner..........hmm...........not sure right now.........

Saturday Afternoon Ranblings...........

2008-04-26T10:33:00.000-07:00

I have a few minutes before my Mainstream ride comes so thought that I would post a bit. The rain filled skys are now sunny and I would say that it is in the 60's. Mom and I and of course Gracie went to run some errands this morning. We stopped at Tim Hortons for us to get cocoa and some of their tim bits which are so good! Tim Hortosns sells the mix for hot cocoa but they do it so well and it is more of a treat if I do not have it on a regular basis. I like the size of the tim bits which are the donut hole size...a few of those I get a sugar fix and not too many calories.
I am hoping to find a book that I really want to read and is a easy read since right now I cannot check out books due to the fines that I have. They let me read off half of them which was great. I need to wait until I get my little irs check to pay for them. It is going to be a little irs check since I only worked like 3 weeks in 2007..............so far some lj's is the tim bits and cocoa....watching gracie get exited over ice cubes which she loves...mom and i having a pleasent time...time to check blogs before going to the library....v8 juice ....going to the library....the library is such a great place to people watch...so many different people in one place....the rich...the poor...the young and old...kids of all ages....homeless people and i have to say that i have experienced some really good convesations with some of the homeless who hang out there....i love that i like reading and i can lose myself in a book often times
i do have to admit to myself that i miss working there and to quit was not one of my better decisions. i am thinking about seeing if i can apply to volunteer either at one of the branches ones or at the main one...well will most likely post later telling about the library and any good conversations that i had and such.......................

good day.

2008-04-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

today was a good day...a very good day! it started out with my finding a pair of sandles that i had gotten in the fall and they were too casual to wear to the wedding of my nephew..so today i wore them. i am the queen at losing things or not remembering where i put things so happy to find them. i had therapy today and decide that i wanted to know what my weight was since i was going to the doctor afterwards and also because i knew i was losing some but had not weighed myself since januray but had no idea that it was 22 and 1/2 pounds since the new year! i was so encouraged me i want to try harder to eat healthy and drink water so i can lose even more. my doctor's appointment was fine. i really like my doctor...she is a fantastic doctor and is easy to talk to and such. i got some bloodwork done we can see how my liver is with all of the medications that i take and also to see if i am going into menapause since i am starting to have some of the symptoms that i am. i had nice mainstream drivers all 3 trips and they helped me with the steps and such because it was a painful day for me legs...not surprized because of rain is expected the next few days and also wearing the sandles which are cute yet not real supportive so will not be wearing them much but they are cute..they are sketchers and are silver colored. i took the other sandles to the shoe place to havfe them cleaned up and polished for the summer and those i can wear more of the time but have to be careful to if i am going to walk lots to wear the more supportive shoes that i have.

i was talking with nan today about food and choices and such so the two things that i plan to work on in may are these things....drink water even if it means to drink it i use some of the no or low calotie flavored ones or keep the generic crystal light with me at all times or mix juice like two ounces with six ounces of water....when i get ice cream to try to get the individual treats or if i get ice cream to get it no or low sugar....i have for the most part stopped buying regular pop for home but now i want to aim for not ordering it when i am out to eat and choose ice tea unsweetened or water....so those are the goals for may. i want to continue to aim for six small times that i eat if it is 3 meals and 3 snacks or if it is a bad day with eating to aim to eat six small snacks....and i want to make sure to keep like the meal bars at home and one in my bag that i take with me and i might get some liquid drinks like slimfast and such to keep on hand also. i am also feeling better with taking the prn medications...i can take it twice a day and yesterday i took it once and i think tonight when i take my night medications i will take it then also...i also have started sitting outside some when gracie is outside so that helps my mood also. i hope this post does not come across as bragging yet i am exited that even when i messed up some days with rotten eating the pounds are coming off...and it was good to have nan and my doctor so happy with me also.

gracie has started doing this new thing which is so funny to me...i often sit on the edge of my bed to watch t.v. and she often comes and hops up on the bed too and then she will want petted and such but then goes around to my back and cuddles up into my back and is like a little pillow and it just is so cute and she also has wanted me more to give her what is like a hug and she puts her face on my chest and then i know i am crazy about her so when she is wanting a hug and to be close i sing a song i made up for her which goes like this a good thing you cannot hear me singing it because i do not have a good voice so it goes " i love my gracie boo...i love my gracie boo...i love i love i love i love
trying this again first time it would not let me post it....weird things lately with blogspots.........

Food Issues

2008-04-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

I find even though I started this blog to share and get support about my eating disorders. I often write about other things but decided to aim to write more about the eating disorders and how I am doing..........well not good this week. It sounds strange I know for someone who binges and is overweight to say she is having problems eating but that is where I have been some this week. It has been a week where I might eat one time a day and not the rest of the day. I have dealt with ED enough to know that is not healthy and can set one up for a binge. I have been having some days when I eat and overeat but not eating things good for me as a meal such as cookies and ice cream....I do better when I am in this not eating much or overeating some to have some of those meal bars around and will eat them...not quite enough for a meal but if it is having one of those or not eating then if it works for me some days then that is what I do. I just was thinking about today with so much sugar intake...cookies for lunch and diet pop...when I was at the library I had some regular pop and a milkyway freeze which is a cold espresso drink with lots of great things in it and of course today I had whip cream in it! Tonight I ate siome spaghetti with 3 meatballs and a average size of pasta. I REALLY wanted to just eat cookies but did not...now who knows if I will eat cookies later on tonight or not.....so here is a question for the readers what do you do when you do not want to eat at all one day what little things can you eat to make the day at least a bit better with food? O.K. I feel really dumb right now because as I was typing this I started to get cramps SO that PMS is I think part of what is going on with me.....so makes more sense to me now....also I have GOT to start drinking water! I was planning on getting weighted tomorrow when I see my therapist so that later on in the day when I have to meet with my regular doctor I can tell her what I weigh...I can tell that I am losing some weight but I need for it to be more and for me to eat more regular and healthy and drink water. I find it hard to try to do lots of changes at one time so I think my goal for the next few days is to drink water. I just really do NOT like drinking water especially from the tap...I do better when it is bottled..the reasons being is for one thing our city water does not taste good...I have REALLY BAD memories in regards to water and being made to throw up a few times when I was in the ER. I do better if I flavor it with something like Crystal Light but that gets expensive even the off brand gets expensice..............so any creative ideas for drinking water...........I REALLY am open to ideas here....lj's for the day which include some food stuff....reading off somemore of my fines at the library and have done as much as they would let me so will need to pay money now....sitting outside with Gracie on the patio and the warm temperatures and the gentle wind....talking to my friend Michelle and making plans to get together...setting up my ride for Saturday to go to the library again..even though I cannot check out books right now due to my fines I enjoy watching people and reading there...knowing my mom got into the dentist to have her tooth fixed. she had an appointment for mid May but asked to be on the waiting list so she was able to get in today she had a broken tooth and it did not hurt much was just a bother.....well i need to get the clothes from the washer to the dryer and then plan to watch some t.v. and most likely will go to bed early. i have been having to take a prn medication for the bipolar crap that is going on but it does help......

Lots to share.....................

2008-04-21T13:53:00.000-07:00

first off I wanted to update about the family who was in the wreck...good news as far as Donna goes....she is responding some to what people say to her like to squeeze the person's hand or open her eyes so that is good news....the young boy is feeling somewhat better both of his lungs are inflated now and he feels good enough to play some video games. i think it is hard for him being in a city where they are not from and all 3 people are in different hospitals so visitors and his dad have to go to all 3 hospitals so i guess i would like to pray that people visit him and stay awhile since his mom is not able nor one of his sisters and his dad. my friend eleanore who is friends with them is going up every weekend to visit them all...the young woman who lost her baby is having a rough time with some of the people on her floor are having babies and she can hear them cry as she is grieving the loss of her baby. thanks for everyone who is praying and please continue...i told eleanore to tell the dad that people all over are praying for them.

2sunset mentioned tony campolo wondering if he was mentioned at the revival and he was not yet i know he does some really great things...........two of them stick out in my mind...he loving woman who most people think of being outcasts and such. i am talking about prostitues. one day he went into a bar to meet people and hang out. one woman who was an often customer was talking about her birthday the next day and tony asked her what she was going to do and she said nothing and he said aren't you having a party and she said no she even as a child never had a party so after she left tony asked the bartender to find out who she knew and such and decided to give this woman a party on her birthday and so bought balloons and a cake and such and one of the other prostitutes made sure she would be there and she walked in to her first party ever! she was so exited and happy and amazed that this man would give her a party and that tony did not want anything in return. i would like to be as loving as tony is to people..........
the other story i know about is when he was in asian country known for child prostitution and how many children are abused and used and such at very very young ages....well he saw two young children who were asking him what he wanted....and such...he thought for awhile and then arranged with the pimp to have the children for all night at his hotel room. he told them when to be at his room....he went to the motel and asked to borrow any of the disney movies that they had and told the room service he wanted them to prepare food that kids really liked so....it got to me time and the two sisters came to his door and he welcomed them in and when they asked what he wanted them to do he said i want you to have a night to be kids and get to play and such. they did not believe him at first but then relaxed and had lots of ice cream and i think pizza and watched movies and laughted like kids should and then when it got late they asked him again what he wanted then and he said for you two to have a good nights sleep and they did and they had a wonderful evening being kids and how one person cannot change the horror of human trafficing but he took the time to help the girls have a little joy and happiness and fun for one night...i am sure that is something that the girls will not forget....i want to be more like him...i think for sure these are things that jesus would do when he walked this earth and want for those of us who believe in him to do. ....agree? well it is later than i thought so will write more later after group.

Sleepy Sunday

2008-04-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

Today has been a good day...being at church...going out to eat with mom...doing some shopping and back home. I did not sleep great last night so am tired. I could go to sleep right away but with it being 6:00 p.m. I would mess up my sleep tonight....because I am sure if I did go to sleep right now I would wake up middle of the night ready for the new day when it is still the middle of the night. Yesterday was a tough day but I think it was because I took one of my prn as needed medications and forgot until late last night to take the coginton which helps lots with the side effects of the prn medication so when I did remember and took it the day well then evening went much better.
I have been going over many of the things that I heard at the Justice Revival. It was so exiting to see 20 some churches combine for a movement here in the city...very powerful..quite convicting. I was so happy that I was able to go all 3 evenings. My mom was glad that she went also and we have been having some discussions about it all. We are going to get the cd's of the teachings for us and for a few friends and family also. I think that I am going to get some comfy clothes on and see what is on television......

Update on Frazier Family

2008-04-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

Donna is doing better...the pressure in her brain has gone way down. she is also tracking some with her eyes. kristen the next step for her is for surgeons to try to put her knee back together. she is concerned if she will be able to walk again. joshua is better and they changed some of his tubes like feeding tube to a smaller size one to make him more comfortable....please continue to pray for all of them and the dad and daughter faith who is fine. they are still staying at ronald mcdonald home while all of this is going on. please continue to pray...............thanks